Deep down, I don't think he'll ever change. I don't think he wants to. I think he says words to pacify me & then does what he wants. . .he still is looking at those sites, still hiding it from me. Still.. . my self worth feels rock bottom. My body has changed so much. . . i see it every time I look in the mirror. . . I feel it everytime I roll out of bed. & it makes me want to hide.
It's a cycle. Part of me doesn't want to even let him touch me knowing the crap he looks at . . .but if I don't I fear he'll just run to his fake crap. . .but then again he goes to that even when we are. . .more active.
It's like a slap in the face. . .I work hard taking care of the kids, up all night taking care of our daughter. . . & this is how he thanks me. He fantasizes about fake, young, skinny chicks. Everything I'm not & never will be.
I dreamed last night that I found out he was cheating on me. . . & that fear does mar my being a lot. He has before. . .emotionally. . .what would stop it from happening again? It wouldn't be too hard for him considering I'm home all the time with the kids.
So do I just keep fighting. . .or can I just walk away? I'm tired of feeling like this. . .I'm tired of the doubt, the paranoia. The pain of it all. I'm tired of being unhappy. I'm trying to fight for our marriage but I can't do it alone. It's like. ..Picketts Charge all over again. . I"m running headlong into the fray in a last ditch effort to win the battle. But all that is left is carnage.
"crying myself to sleep cause i cannot keep their attention, i tried to be strong, but it's killing me" Bethany Dillion
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
she still believes the lies
Lately I avoid all mirrors. I can see the way my body has changed since giving birth. . .& it makes me feel even worse about myself. I haven't lost all the weight I put on. ..& I'm having a hard time finding time to work out & try losing it. This is my next goal though, to lose all this weight & reach my goal weight. . .
I fear that this image now. That it isn't. .. good enough for my husband.
This is what he has done to me
I realize I should take some blame, for letting me become so defeated by it. ..but I find it hard to climb past all that has fallen around me.
I'm sure he is still looking. He went downstairs yesterday to get online instead of up in the room with me. Yeah. I know what he was doing. I'm not stupid. All the signs are still there.
Maybe some things never change.
& it kills me. I don't want to live like this all my life. . .unhappy. . .not trusting my husband. It isn't suppose to be like this. . .I know it's not all bliss but shouldn't there be more?
so much more
"i can feel her sadness from across the room" blindside
I fear that this image now. That it isn't. .. good enough for my husband.
This is what he has done to me
I realize I should take some blame, for letting me become so defeated by it. ..but I find it hard to climb past all that has fallen around me.
I'm sure he is still looking. He went downstairs yesterday to get online instead of up in the room with me. Yeah. I know what he was doing. I'm not stupid. All the signs are still there.
Maybe some things never change.
& it kills me. I don't want to live like this all my life. . .unhappy. . .not trusting my husband. It isn't suppose to be like this. . .I know it's not all bliss but shouldn't there be more?
so much more
"i can feel her sadness from across the room" blindside
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
the future feels so hard
Sometimes I find myself staring at my daughter, & breathing prayer after prayer that she doesn't have to know this pain. .. that she can walk though this life unscathed by this evil. . . .that she won't have to feel the shadows of doubt crash upon her shoulders, always wondering . . .always checking. . .I pray she knows love that she can trust always . .& not have to hold her breath from time to time just to make it through. I pray that she will be loved unconditionally. . .that everything doesn't have to be a fight. . .that she can go to bed at night reassured that her husband is thinking of her & only her. That she doesn't have to worry about what he watches as he sits in front of the glow of a computer screen.
I pray this for my beautiful daughter. . .that she will always feel beautiful & never wonder what is wrong with her because her husbands turns to plastic women instead of real flesh. I pray this with every breath.
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed.-Leanne Womack
I pray this for my beautiful daughter. . .that she will always feel beautiful & never wonder what is wrong with her because her husbands turns to plastic women instead of real flesh. I pray this with every breath.
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed.-Leanne Womack
Monday, June 28, 2010
all the good is almost gone
It's amazing how life can be two very distinct halves, in black & white with all shades of gray vanishing. How you can have sunshine & thunderstorms at the same time, & you wonder which one will overtake you & drench your senses.
I had my beautiful baby girl over a week again. It was one of the greatest, yet hardest moments of my life. She is perfect & we are doing well.
We got home on Saturday where I found out once again he was looking at. . .crap while I was in the hospital, recovering from having his baby. It hurts worse this time then all the other times before, knowing where I was. He was there for every second of my labor. He knows how hard it was, how much pain I was in at the end. He heard my cries as I pushed our sunshine into this world.
But it wasn't enough.
He came home, laid in our bed, & watched fake girls get it on.
It kills me.
There is something so much more cold about it this time. . .like ice in my veins, crawling through them on slow heartbeat at a time. . .this betrayal is so hard to take. . . realizing how selfish he is. . .how weak he is. . .how tired of it I am
sometimes the fight just seems to much to take. Sometimes I am so tired of it all I just want to say "I'm done" & walk away.
The voices of the past just echo around my head, screaming at me, this fear he will never change. That this will be my life for. . .ever.
& I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with it. It's not fair. t
the song slow fade, by Casting Crowns, as become my. .theme. it's such a true song. . & it scares me crap out of me. . .I've seen the slow fade before. . .the porn turning to him talking to other women. . .& i fear. . it will happen again
"the journey from your mind to your hands, is closer than your thinking. . .its a slow fade when you give yourself away. . .daddies never crumble in a day" Casting Crowns
I had my beautiful baby girl over a week again. It was one of the greatest, yet hardest moments of my life. She is perfect & we are doing well.
We got home on Saturday where I found out once again he was looking at. . .crap while I was in the hospital, recovering from having his baby. It hurts worse this time then all the other times before, knowing where I was. He was there for every second of my labor. He knows how hard it was, how much pain I was in at the end. He heard my cries as I pushed our sunshine into this world.
But it wasn't enough.
He came home, laid in our bed, & watched fake girls get it on.
It kills me.
There is something so much more cold about it this time. . .like ice in my veins, crawling through them on slow heartbeat at a time. . .this betrayal is so hard to take. . . realizing how selfish he is. . .how weak he is. . .how tired of it I am
sometimes the fight just seems to much to take. Sometimes I am so tired of it all I just want to say "I'm done" & walk away.
The voices of the past just echo around my head, screaming at me, this fear he will never change. That this will be my life for. . .ever.
& I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with it. It's not fair. t
the song slow fade, by Casting Crowns, as become my. .theme. it's such a true song. . & it scares me crap out of me. . .I've seen the slow fade before. . .the porn turning to him talking to other women. . .& i fear. . it will happen again
"the journey from your mind to your hands, is closer than your thinking. . .its a slow fade when you give yourself away. . .daddies never crumble in a day" Casting Crowns
Monday, June 14, 2010
I don't want to be stranded
Out of nowhere the past will raise up & catch me in it's waves, threatening to pull me under once again. Memories claw for my attention & I'm just too weary to fight them every single time. Maybe, deep down, I'm afraid of history repeating itself. . . so the echoes of the past beckon me. Some of the same. .. pitfalls we had that nearly killed us before are tiptoeing around the chaos. The distance. The lack of communication. The "busyness" It's all there at my fingertips & I have to decide if its real enough to be concerned about or if its just distant yesterdays wanting to make me doubt & fall into that darkness.
I don't always know how to move forward, to take another step. Sometimes it seems easier to stand still. . .to let it all fall apart then to keep fighting. My hands feel bloody & raw from trying to keep the sky from tumbling down in shambles. . .& I wonder if I always fight alone. Am I the only one that can see all of this? The only one that cares?
Maybe . . .maybe.
"a year goes by, & I can't talk about it" Flyleaf
I don't always know how to move forward, to take another step. Sometimes it seems easier to stand still. . .to let it all fall apart then to keep fighting. My hands feel bloody & raw from trying to keep the sky from tumbling down in shambles. . .& I wonder if I always fight alone. Am I the only one that can see all of this? The only one that cares?
Maybe . . .maybe.
"a year goes by, & I can't talk about it" Flyleaf
Saturday, June 5, 2010
dont want to be perfect -just alright
Things haven't really changed all that much. . .I still am struggling with loneliness. I'm always amazed how you can be around someone yet feel so all alone. It seems like we spend so much time apart & even the time we are together we are in our own little worlds.
I miss how things use to be. When we would talk for hours & stay up late. When we would go for walks. ..it brings back memories of Charleston & night walks to the harbor or on the beach. Reminders of sunrises & long drives just to get away.
& I wonder what went wrong. Is it just things change for no reason or is there some deeper, underlying issue I am not even aware of? I realize life brings changes, especially after you become a parent, but I guess I never expect SO many changes. . . I didn't expect this. ..grand canyon yawning between us.
I fear all of this will push him further. . .more likely to stumble & go back to. ..that trash. & I wonder if its paranoia or that gut feeling. ..& how do I even know the difference anymore.
I know I just need to breathe & turn this over to God but some days it's so hard. Some days all I see is the scars & the ashes left behind from charred out dreams..
Sometimes i want to give up. Sometimes I just don't even know how to let go & move on. Sometimes. Sometimes
"sometimes I don't want to be better, sometimes I can't put myself back together"
Skillet
I miss how things use to be. When we would talk for hours & stay up late. When we would go for walks. ..it brings back memories of Charleston & night walks to the harbor or on the beach. Reminders of sunrises & long drives just to get away.
& I wonder what went wrong. Is it just things change for no reason or is there some deeper, underlying issue I am not even aware of? I realize life brings changes, especially after you become a parent, but I guess I never expect SO many changes. . . I didn't expect this. ..grand canyon yawning between us.
I fear all of this will push him further. . .more likely to stumble & go back to. ..that trash. & I wonder if its paranoia or that gut feeling. ..& how do I even know the difference anymore.
I know I just need to breathe & turn this over to God but some days it's so hard. Some days all I see is the scars & the ashes left behind from charred out dreams..
Sometimes i want to give up. Sometimes I just don't even know how to let go & move on. Sometimes. Sometimes
"sometimes I don't want to be better, sometimes I can't put myself back together"
Skillet
Sunday, May 23, 2010
caught in the in between -a beautiful disaster
Sometimes, I realize, that is what life is. A beautiful disaster. There is so many different tones that can make up one's life. . .the sad dark tones in minor key & the happy, hands in the air music that make you ache from the beauty. There are those days when I feel the doubts come in, sneaking around my ankles, threatening to pull me under again. Those are the days that I over analyze everything. . .the questions a siren in my head. Then there are the days that I am ok. . .that I know we are clawing our way to healing. . .& I feel at peace at how far we've gotten.
Living life with someone who is easily manipulated by lies & fake can be overwhelming. It can tear apart all self esteem that resided deep inside. Sometime I stare in the mirror at myself but in my minds eye I can see the women he had looked at. ..lusted over & it rips me to pieces again. If i took my hand to the mirror & destroyed it, would I find a different me? Or would I be lost within the shards? Those moments when the questions swirl around my head like a deadly whirlpool. I'm chaining myself to the mast to avoid the sirens. . .yet they lure me. I want to dig into his mind sometimes, to make sense of it all. . .why someone would continue to do what kills someone they say the love. . .
Some days I feel like we've come so far. . .other days I wonder if it's all an illusion. I know he is trying. . .yet I wonder sometimes. . .we don't have much time together so it's easy to inhale the doubts that circle me.
Dear God this is . ..the art of breaking. Tearing apart myself & digging into what makes me . . .me. Pulling apart all the walls I've protected myself with. . .finding some sort of peace even when it all falls down all around me. To know desert days don't last forever. . . .to realize God is bigger then all of this. . .to trust that one day. . .one day. . .the healing rains will cover me in their healing grace & I'll laugh from deep inside . ..That one day my husband & I will look back at all of this & give a small sad shake of our heads but smile at all we've learned.
This. . .is my journey. For better or worse.
she would change everything for happy ever after, caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster" Jon Mclaughlin
Living life with someone who is easily manipulated by lies & fake can be overwhelming. It can tear apart all self esteem that resided deep inside. Sometime I stare in the mirror at myself but in my minds eye I can see the women he had looked at. ..lusted over & it rips me to pieces again. If i took my hand to the mirror & destroyed it, would I find a different me? Or would I be lost within the shards? Those moments when the questions swirl around my head like a deadly whirlpool. I'm chaining myself to the mast to avoid the sirens. . .yet they lure me. I want to dig into his mind sometimes, to make sense of it all. . .why someone would continue to do what kills someone they say the love. . .
Some days I feel like we've come so far. . .other days I wonder if it's all an illusion. I know he is trying. . .yet I wonder sometimes. . .we don't have much time together so it's easy to inhale the doubts that circle me.
Dear God this is . ..the art of breaking. Tearing apart myself & digging into what makes me . . .me. Pulling apart all the walls I've protected myself with. . .finding some sort of peace even when it all falls down all around me. To know desert days don't last forever. . . .to realize God is bigger then all of this. . .to trust that one day. . .one day. . .the healing rains will cover me in their healing grace & I'll laugh from deep inside . ..That one day my husband & I will look back at all of this & give a small sad shake of our heads but smile at all we've learned.
This. . .is my journey. For better or worse.
she would change everything for happy ever after, caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster" Jon Mclaughlin
Monday, May 17, 2010
Surrender
Church was quite eye opening on Sunday. The message was about the power God has to break any chains, & how many of us stay under those chains because we don't surrender. He talked about how we need to pray for our loved ones that are suffering under these chains, to get on our face & cry out to God. I realize how much I don't do that. . I don't pray that much for my husband. . .sometimes it's like I have just given up on trying. . . I focus on the negative & the past. Yes he hurt me to pieces, yet I am not helpless. I can turn this over to God. I can get on my knees & pray for my husbands healing. I can pray that he will really surrender this to God & let it go. I know, deep down, he hasn't tried that hard. He will for a bit & then just give in. . .but instead of me sitting here in doubt & fury. . .I need to do what I can. I can't make him stop. I can't make him not want to. .but i can pray. Prayers can change things. . .with God ALL things are possible. . .
"fall on my face begin to scream that I need You. . ..I would drown to be alive in You" Chasing Furies
"fall on my face begin to scream that I need You. . ..I would drown to be alive in You" Chasing Furies
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
days like this
It's days like this that I realize how blessed I really am. It's so easy to focus on what is wrong, what I don't have or issues we are dealing with, but today I just felt better.
My son & I spent about a hour playing outside under skies so blue I felt I could sink into them...the sun danced across our skin as we played in the green grass. My son was so excited about little things. Pointing out all the flowers, collecting leaves, counting trucks going by. . .& it opened my eyes. We can find joy in anything if we look hard enough, if we look through the eyes of a child.
Yes life is hard, but I don't need to focus on that all the time. I can find joy in everything. I can dance under the sky, laugh at the sun. . I can find peace deep inside. How ironic it took a 2 year old boy to show me that
"i want to spend the rest of my life ALIVE" switchfoot
My son & I spent about a hour playing outside under skies so blue I felt I could sink into them...the sun danced across our skin as we played in the green grass. My son was so excited about little things. Pointing out all the flowers, collecting leaves, counting trucks going by. . .& it opened my eyes. We can find joy in anything if we look hard enough, if we look through the eyes of a child.
Yes life is hard, but I don't need to focus on that all the time. I can find joy in everything. I can dance under the sky, laugh at the sun. . I can find peace deep inside. How ironic it took a 2 year old boy to show me that
"i want to spend the rest of my life ALIVE" switchfoot
Monday, April 26, 2010
a shadow on me
I think the hardest thing lately is how he shuts down when I try to talk to him. .about anything. The only things he wants to talk about is HIS stuff. School, work. ..if I bring up any issues on my end, its like he shuts down. ..he won't even answer half the time. . .he'll say things like "what do you want me to do" or something snotty. It's so frustrating. Why is it I can listen to him & help him out but it is never given back to me? He wants to twist everything around. . .he doesn't want to hear what is bothering me, or what I am thinking about. Sometimes I think that he truly believes his problems are the only ones that matter. . .yes I know he has to work & go to school. . .& I support that. ..but all I hear is how much work it is, how busy he is. . .like I am not? I"m pregnant & taking care of a 2 year old, all day , everyday by myself. I don't get out of the house. . .which is fine for the most part, I love being a mom, but I get tired of him acting like he is the only one that is busy & does stuff. & then when we talk its all about him.
He won't even talk about the porn thing ever. . last time he did he lied to my face so honestly I don't even want to bring it up. I think he wants to pretend it didn't happen & I'm ok. .we're ok. . .
but I'm not
We're not
can you see, a shadow on me" - Project 86
He won't even talk about the porn thing ever. . last time he did he lied to my face so honestly I don't even want to bring it up. I think he wants to pretend it didn't happen & I'm ok. .we're ok. . .
but I'm not
We're not
can you see, a shadow on me" - Project 86
Friday, April 16, 2010
remember all alone is where I belong
Lately loneliness is my best friend, It lingers in the shadows like a ghost, it breathes around me, pulling me under. I feel at a loss lately, trying to find some peace inside this chaos. My husband is busy right now, & I do understand that. He is in school & working. . .but I just feel so . . .alone. It seems like he choses a lot of things over me & our son. To think he had the time to look up 100s of pages of porn but had no time for us? That is what boggles the mind.
Loneliness can lead to paranoia & my mind plays games with me. . I want to hack into his email, check his phone & its pathetic, I know.
I need to get to place of learning how to trust again. . .but I feel powerless. I dont even want to talk to him about it due to the lies he told me last time I brought it up. I wonder how much of everything is a lie. . .
It just seems like an endless circle. It gets better for a while then I come crashing down. ..
"If I smile & don't believe, I know soon I will wake from this dream, Don't try to fix me Im not broken, hello, Im the lie living for you so you can hide, hello" Evanescence
Loneliness can lead to paranoia & my mind plays games with me. . I want to hack into his email, check his phone & its pathetic, I know.
I need to get to place of learning how to trust again. . .but I feel powerless. I dont even want to talk to him about it due to the lies he told me last time I brought it up. I wonder how much of everything is a lie. . .
It just seems like an endless circle. It gets better for a while then I come crashing down. ..
"If I smile & don't believe, I know soon I will wake from this dream, Don't try to fix me Im not broken, hello, Im the lie living for you so you can hide, hello" Evanescence
Thursday, April 8, 2010
so if you dont mind, i think I'll wear my heart on my sleeve
One of my biggest fears is the trust issue. . .that I will never have the feeling of trust in my life again. I fear that I'll always have whispers of doubt, & twinges of paranoia. I'm scared I'll always want to check up on him. . .& that is no way to live
The thing is. . .that is up to me too. Yes he has to prove himself trustworthy. . .which he hasn't. . .but even if he does. . .will I finally trust him again? Will I get to that place of security knowing we are ok. .. he is not betraying me again?
I know this isn't going to be an easy road. . or what that is. .magically better. . .it will take a lot of work from both of us. . .I just wonder what more I can do. . how do I get to the place of healing. . .to a place of peace. When will I feel my heart trust him again. . .or will it? Can I get past all of this?
There are so many questions that rattle around my head. . .fears & doubts. . .
I need. . .to dig deep. I need to fight. I need. . oh how I need
"so if you don't mind I think I'll wear my heart on my sleeve cause I'm tired of not being able to breathe. . .its a shame how I pull myself apart!" Blindside
The thing is. . .that is up to me too. Yes he has to prove himself trustworthy. . .which he hasn't. . .but even if he does. . .will I finally trust him again? Will I get to that place of security knowing we are ok. .. he is not betraying me again?
I know this isn't going to be an easy road. . or what that is. .magically better. . .it will take a lot of work from both of us. . .I just wonder what more I can do. . how do I get to the place of healing. . .to a place of peace. When will I feel my heart trust him again. . .or will it? Can I get past all of this?
There are so many questions that rattle around my head. . .fears & doubts. . .
I need. . .to dig deep. I need to fight. I need. . oh how I need
"so if you don't mind I think I'll wear my heart on my sleeve cause I'm tired of not being able to breathe. . .its a shame how I pull myself apart!" Blindside
Sunday, April 4, 2010
beg my broken heart to beat
I think the thing that is bothering me the most lately is the in my face lies. I know what I saw. I know where he was looking, yet he treats me I'm stupid & making things up. . . I wish I was making it up. ..but I can see the truth. . . . I can peel back all his lies & see the damaging truth before me. . .& I don't know what hurts more. ..the lies or the . . .betrayal. . .though in the end, I am pretty sure they are the same thing to me, cutting me bare for the world to see.
Does is make him feel superior? To trying playing these games? To do something behind my back & then lie to my face when I find out the truth?
It's like I'm in this room & I'm just running into the same ol' walls again & again. . .& I wonder why I even keep trying to escape. . .is it even worth it anymore?
Trust is shattered to a million pieces. . I am scarred so deep inside I wonder if it will ever heal. . the lies are binding me down with their weight.
I can't keep losing this fight.
Maybe all along. . .. I'm like the Confederacy. . I win a few battles. . .think I might win. . but in the end lose with such devastating loss it will take a life time to heal.
Guess it wasn't real after all. . .remember all alone is where I belong" Evanescence
Does is make him feel superior? To trying playing these games? To do something behind my back & then lie to my face when I find out the truth?
It's like I'm in this room & I'm just running into the same ol' walls again & again. . .& I wonder why I even keep trying to escape. . .is it even worth it anymore?
Trust is shattered to a million pieces. . I am scarred so deep inside I wonder if it will ever heal. . the lies are binding me down with their weight.
I can't keep losing this fight.
Maybe all along. . .. I'm like the Confederacy. . I win a few battles. . .think I might win. . but in the end lose with such devastating loss it will take a life time to heal.
Guess it wasn't real after all. . .remember all alone is where I belong" Evanescence
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
she walked away
Some days it would be so much easier to just. . walk away. To pack my bags. . .& get in the car & go. . .far far away. To get away from everything that falls apart around me. . .I am so tired of the breakage. . .tired of the aftermath & lies. Tired of finding out once again. . .I've been betrayed. Sometimes. . .it would be easier to lie to myself, look away as the sky falls down. . .to pretend its ok. ..
I thought things were getting better. . .that he was getting serious but I realize again i believed the same dang lie. Once again . . I am the fool. . .sometimes I wonder how hard is he even trying. . .it seems like he only cares about himself. .his desires. . his..."wants" & im sick of it.
Im sick of being left behind as he pursues one fantasy after another. I'm tired of standing alone as the stars cascade down over my broken form. So tired of breathing in the same stale air each day & wondering why I'm choking on its stentch.
I'm so tired.
why am i the only one fighting?
" you keep coming back disassembled, & I keep losing the fight" Emery
I thought things were getting better. . .that he was getting serious but I realize again i believed the same dang lie. Once again . . I am the fool. . .sometimes I wonder how hard is he even trying. . .it seems like he only cares about himself. .his desires. . his..."wants" & im sick of it.
Im sick of being left behind as he pursues one fantasy after another. I'm tired of standing alone as the stars cascade down over my broken form. So tired of breathing in the same stale air each day & wondering why I'm choking on its stentch.
I'm so tired.
why am i the only one fighting?
" you keep coming back disassembled, & I keep losing the fight" Emery
Saturday, March 27, 2010
you know I'll live to fight another day
I realize, all of this, has opened up old wounds that I kept hidden from much of the world. Most of my life I've struggled with feeling. . .good enough in the eyes of others. Growing up, we were . . .poor. I grew up in 2nd hand clothes, in a trailer park. . . I was the one kids made fun of. I was the one they called. ..trash. I wasn't good enough by their standreds.
When I went to college it was a bit better, I was no longer made fun of, but I still felt. . .out of place. . .like a ghost lingering upon the campus. . .just. . .getting by. . .I had friends. . .yet felt on the outside a lot of the time. . .watching in silence as people went about doing. . .so much more then I had the guts to do. People that I felt were. ..prettier, smarter, than me.
When I met my husband. . .we met online & we were good friends. He saw me real me. . .inside & out. He knew my fears & insecurities . . yet. . he liked me. ..& that like turned to love. . .I remember meeting for the first time. . .moonlit walks, stars falling, the waves against the harbor. . .
He saw me. . he married me
Now. . .sometimes. . .he discards me.
& I wonder what I learn in all of this. If I dig deep enough, will I find the truth buried inside of me. . .or maybe. . .just maybe this isn't. ..about me? Maybe there is more to it then ugly scars & buried pain. . .maybe. . .its more than. . .me?
Maybe this wreckage isn't based on who I am. ..maybe who I am isn't. ..that poor little girl dressed in second hand clothes. .. that girl who read means comments online & nearly stopped eating. . who cried herself to sleep many times. . .maybe. . .
Maybe I can be more.
Maybe I can reach beyond this. . .all of this. The doubt. The past. The scars. . .the ..betrayal.
Maybe. just maybe there is so much more to all of this. .. then me. Maybe, in the end, its not even about ME.
take me or leave me, don't have to believe me, all the words I have to say, all the songs that fly away, take me or leave me, believe me, good will come, its alright , its ok , you know I'll live to fight another day" Delirious
When I went to college it was a bit better, I was no longer made fun of, but I still felt. . .out of place. . .like a ghost lingering upon the campus. . .just. . .getting by. . .I had friends. . .yet felt on the outside a lot of the time. . .watching in silence as people went about doing. . .so much more then I had the guts to do. People that I felt were. ..prettier, smarter, than me.
When I met my husband. . .we met online & we were good friends. He saw me real me. . .inside & out. He knew my fears & insecurities . . yet. . he liked me. ..& that like turned to love. . .I remember meeting for the first time. . .moonlit walks, stars falling, the waves against the harbor. . .
He saw me. . he married me
Now. . .sometimes. . .he discards me.
& I wonder what I learn in all of this. If I dig deep enough, will I find the truth buried inside of me. . .or maybe. . .just maybe this isn't. ..about me? Maybe there is more to it then ugly scars & buried pain. . .maybe. . .its more than. . .me?
Maybe this wreckage isn't based on who I am. ..maybe who I am isn't. ..that poor little girl dressed in second hand clothes. .. that girl who read means comments online & nearly stopped eating. . who cried herself to sleep many times. . .maybe. . .
Maybe I can be more.
Maybe I can reach beyond this. . .all of this. The doubt. The past. The scars. . .the ..betrayal.
Maybe. just maybe there is so much more to all of this. .. then me. Maybe, in the end, its not even about ME.
take me or leave me, don't have to believe me, all the words I have to say, all the songs that fly away, take me or leave me, believe me, good will come, its alright , its ok , you know I'll live to fight another day" Delirious
Thursday, March 25, 2010
learning to breathe
I realize, every day I have a choice, that only I can make. I can embrace the day, & find the good, I can let go of the past & the baggage, I can look in the mirror & see beauty OR I can let myself dwell on the negative. I can put myself down. I can live on regrets. . .
I've been running around in circles for a while, trying to know what I should feel, how I should handle it. . . sometimes I forget to . . .just breathe. To throw up my hands to the sky & let it all go. . . to not second guess everything. . .to let go. . .to live more.
Cause doubt eats you alive. It tears you up inside. .piece by piece until you trust nothing ..you're always looking over your shoulder to see if the sky is still intact. It can leave me bitter & cold. . .the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. . .
I want to be more. I want each day to be new. I want to see the sun & feel it's warmth. I want to feel grace pour over me like rain. . .I want to fight the voices that whisper I'll never be good enough. . .
& its up to me. I need to decide each day. .. so today I chose. . .to live. To open my eyes. . .to live.
Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is the way that I say I need You
This is the way that I'm
Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies
Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad
So this is the way I say I need You
This is the way that I say I love You
This is the way that I say I'm Yours
This is the way, this is the way
Switchfoot
I've been running around in circles for a while, trying to know what I should feel, how I should handle it. . . sometimes I forget to . . .just breathe. To throw up my hands to the sky & let it all go. . . to not second guess everything. . .to let go. . .to live more.
Cause doubt eats you alive. It tears you up inside. .piece by piece until you trust nothing ..you're always looking over your shoulder to see if the sky is still intact. It can leave me bitter & cold. . .the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. . .
I want to be more. I want each day to be new. I want to see the sun & feel it's warmth. I want to feel grace pour over me like rain. . .I want to fight the voices that whisper I'll never be good enough. . .
& its up to me. I need to decide each day. .. so today I chose. . .to live. To open my eyes. . .to live.
Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is the way that I say I need You
This is the way that I'm
Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies
Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad
So this is the way I say I need You
This is the way that I say I love You
This is the way that I say I'm Yours
This is the way, this is the way
Switchfoot
Sunday, March 21, 2010
rising from these ashes
I've always been fascinated by the Phoenix. I always loved the idea of this creature, broken down & shattered yet finding the strength to rise above it's situation. . to beat it's bleeding wings against the sky even when the world says not to. . .to open eyes that are blood shot from crying. . . to take another breath & open its mouth to let out a song (according to the myth they sang beautiful. . of course I don't actually BELIEVE the myth i just love the idea of it). . .
I want to rise above this aftermath. . . I want to raise my hands to the sky & lift up my eyes to the Maker of the stars. I want to find my heartbeat again within my chest & realize all isn't frozen. I want to look in the mirror & smile. . .realizing I am beautiful. I want to sing again. . .& I will.
I will reach for the nail scarred hands that holds up the sky & beckons the waves. I will rest in the wings of the my Savior who bled for me. . .
I will get down on my knees. . on my face & pray for husband. For HIS healing. I will reach out to him with love. . .I will NOT let go. I will NOT let this break us. I will NOT let this world beat me up for what i believe. . .I will overcome this tragedy. I will fly again. I will heal.
with God
"all I missed in all of this was You. . find in me (You're the only home, the only home I know)
a trace of You in all this tragedy. . .I've never learned to walk the surface on my own, so lately this Ocean floor being feeling more like home" Project 86
I want to rise above this aftermath. . . I want to raise my hands to the sky & lift up my eyes to the Maker of the stars. I want to find my heartbeat again within my chest & realize all isn't frozen. I want to look in the mirror & smile. . .realizing I am beautiful. I want to sing again. . .& I will.
I will reach for the nail scarred hands that holds up the sky & beckons the waves. I will rest in the wings of the my Savior who bled for me. . .
I will get down on my knees. . on my face & pray for husband. For HIS healing. I will reach out to him with love. . .I will NOT let go. I will NOT let this break us. I will NOT let this world beat me up for what i believe. . .I will overcome this tragedy. I will fly again. I will heal.
with God
"all I missed in all of this was You. . find in me (You're the only home, the only home I know)
a trace of You in all this tragedy. . .I've never learned to walk the surface on my own, so lately this Ocean floor being feeling more like home" Project 86
Thursday, March 18, 2010
words that can't be spoken
Today is another bad day. . I cried for the first time since . . .all of these. Words other people have said have cut me to pieces. . .& I feel. . .blamed again for the devastation in my marriage. Maybe I did make him turn away. . .maybe I could of said more, or been more, or. . .just or.
Sometimes its like I'm drowning & very few people understand. I've had some wonderful women reach out to me & I am so thankful for them. . .they will never know how much they've blessed me. . .but sometimes. . .all the other voices are so much louder. I feel like I'm being torn apart fiber by fiber & no one even notices as I fall apart
Am I to blame? Is there really more I could of been? Said? Done?
Who is to blame?
& does it really matter?
Today my heart is raw & bleeding. . .I ache from the inside out. . .last night I went to bed. . alone. . again. . wondering. . . if. . .yes. The dreaded if. I feel like I'm crawling a lot lately. . .slowly inching my way down this path . . .trying to believe there is some. . .light at the end. . some hope. A way to heal. . .
Its all i can do
Just. ..Breathe
"I cannot trust these voices. . .I have no fear of drowning, its the breathing, thats taking all this work, do you know, what i mean, when i say, i don't want to be alone" Jars of Clay
Sometimes its like I'm drowning & very few people understand. I've had some wonderful women reach out to me & I am so thankful for them. . .they will never know how much they've blessed me. . .but sometimes. . .all the other voices are so much louder. I feel like I'm being torn apart fiber by fiber & no one even notices as I fall apart
Am I to blame? Is there really more I could of been? Said? Done?
Who is to blame?
& does it really matter?
Today my heart is raw & bleeding. . .I ache from the inside out. . .last night I went to bed. . alone. . again. . wondering. . . if. . .yes. The dreaded if. I feel like I'm crawling a lot lately. . .slowly inching my way down this path . . .trying to believe there is some. . .light at the end. . some hope. A way to heal. . .
Its all i can do
Just. ..Breathe
"I cannot trust these voices. . .I have no fear of drowning, its the breathing, thats taking all this work, do you know, what i mean, when i say, i don't want to be alone" Jars of Clay
Monday, March 15, 2010
Don't you know your beautiful
Sometimes, out of no where, I will open my eyes, if even for a split second, & I'll feel beautiful. I will look in the mirror & see my protruding belly & realize its new life in there. . .it's not Hollywood but its something. ..so much more. It's the beginning of a new person who will one day, change the world & that is more important then . . .posing nude online & making men lust. It's more important then being on tv pretending to be someone I'm not. It's so much more. It's real. It's not fake tans & plastic boobs. . .its real. My boobs sag, my skin is dry, my hair is a mess right now. ..but its ok.
Cause I'm beautiful
& I don't care if he agrees or not at these moment.
If he would rather have fake girl online then me. .its HIS LOSS. Not mine
Not anymore
just tell me what happened when things went wrong, we'll try to make sense of it all, please don't blame yourself. . .don't you know that you're beautiful. . .cant you see what you mean to Me" Seabird
Cause I'm beautiful
& I don't care if he agrees or not at these moment.
If he would rather have fake girl online then me. .its HIS LOSS. Not mine
Not anymore
just tell me what happened when things went wrong, we'll try to make sense of it all, please don't blame yourself. . .don't you know that you're beautiful. . .cant you see what you mean to Me" Seabird
Friday, March 12, 2010
Let Your love be strong
Lately it seems like we go one step forward & two steps back. . .our words seem to circle around like a dog chasing his tail. The other night we stayed up late, talking, throwing words back & forth. . .He has talked to someone about this. . .& for that, I am grateful, but I also see he doesn't want to do everything he can. . .I asked him to please put a filter on his computer. . .& he is refusing. To me, that is a sign, he is not really serious about ending this. . .habit. His excuse is that he can get around it anyways if he really wants to, & he doesn't see the point. I told him it would give me peace of mind a bit.. .even a sliver. . .& a little is better than none. . .two steps back.
The next day he talked to that guy again, a pastor & friend, & we decided all three of us need to get together sometime to make this work. . .one step forward .
I know he gets frustrated that I don't trust him. . .but he should of thought of that before he trampled on our vows. He knew. He knew every time he logged on what was at risk. . .He knew. & he didn't care. He was selfish. . & can still be. I find it selfish he won't put a filter on for me. I find it selfish he got mad at me cause I asked him to not get on the computer at night when were all in bed.
& everything just seems to go in circles. The words, the thoughts, the actions. . round & round they go making me dizzy. . .making me breathless. I get so tired of it sometimes. its like I'm running around, but getting no where. It's like we're. . .a shipwreck & floundering in the black waters.
All of this brings back painful memories of a lifetime ago. . .this isn't the first time he's betrayed me. . .& sometimes I wonder if I'm just too blind to see the truth. . . or if there really is hope for us.
I just have to take one breath at a time. . .& pray we can keep moving forward
This pain is just to real. .theres just to much that time cannot erase - Evanescence
The next day he talked to that guy again, a pastor & friend, & we decided all three of us need to get together sometime to make this work. . .one step forward .
I know he gets frustrated that I don't trust him. . .but he should of thought of that before he trampled on our vows. He knew. He knew every time he logged on what was at risk. . .He knew. & he didn't care. He was selfish. . & can still be. I find it selfish he won't put a filter on for me. I find it selfish he got mad at me cause I asked him to not get on the computer at night when were all in bed.
& everything just seems to go in circles. The words, the thoughts, the actions. . round & round they go making me dizzy. . .making me breathless. I get so tired of it sometimes. its like I'm running around, but getting no where. It's like we're. . .a shipwreck & floundering in the black waters.
All of this brings back painful memories of a lifetime ago. . .this isn't the first time he's betrayed me. . .& sometimes I wonder if I'm just too blind to see the truth. . . or if there really is hope for us.
I just have to take one breath at a time. . .& pray we can keep moving forward
This pain is just to real. .theres just to much that time cannot erase - Evanescence
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
convince me I've been sick forever
To me, one of the worst things about this aftermath, is the paranoia that weaves it's way throughout my veins. It's like a siren, luring me into another sea of doubt & leaving me stranded. I'm constantly wanting to check his phone, computer, even his book bag. I worry when he goes to school. . deep inside I'm worried the porn is just the tip of the iceberg, that there is more he is hiding. He had done it before.
I hate this second guessing, this looking over my shoulder. I wonder. . .will it always be like this? Will I always have to wonder what he's is doing, thinking, hiding? When does trust come back?
Right now its like my brain is severed in two conflicting thoughts. . .& this Civil War inside of me is leaving me weary. Will I be forever scarred by fallen armies that litter the surface of all my thoughts? The landscape can seem so bleak & cold in the midst of war. . .who really wins when everything is collapsing around & leaving behind the slain of what use to be?
Sometimes my mind wanders back to what use to be. .. before I stumbled upon all of this. . .& I know why some say ignorance is bliss . . .but I know I needed to find out. . .it will, if i let it, make me stronger. I live to fight each day. . . to raise from the ashes. . .to raise my arms & lift my face to the sky & know. . .one day. . .this will. . .make sense. . .this will no longer consume my brain at night or leave me breathless. ..one day.
One day
"Messiah I know YOu are there, catching & carrying this beautiful mess" Sixpence None the RIcher
I hate this second guessing, this looking over my shoulder. I wonder. . .will it always be like this? Will I always have to wonder what he's is doing, thinking, hiding? When does trust come back?
Right now its like my brain is severed in two conflicting thoughts. . .& this Civil War inside of me is leaving me weary. Will I be forever scarred by fallen armies that litter the surface of all my thoughts? The landscape can seem so bleak & cold in the midst of war. . .who really wins when everything is collapsing around & leaving behind the slain of what use to be?
Sometimes my mind wanders back to what use to be. .. before I stumbled upon all of this. . .& I know why some say ignorance is bliss . . .but I know I needed to find out. . .it will, if i let it, make me stronger. I live to fight each day. . . to raise from the ashes. . .to raise my arms & lift my face to the sky & know. . .one day. . .this will. . .make sense. . .this will no longer consume my brain at night or leave me breathless. ..one day.
One day
"Messiah I know YOu are there, catching & carrying this beautiful mess" Sixpence None the RIcher
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Am I not beautful enough
"it rips me apart the little things you do. . .am I not beautiful enough for you?" Radial Angel
I find myself staring in the mirror more lately. I'll get ready for the day & stand in my full length mirror noticing every little thing. I wonder what he sees when he sees me now. . .does he notice what I suddenly notice? My belly is getting bigger (comes with being 21 weeks pregnant) . . . I'm breaking out more then usually, my hair is dry & my highlights have faded. I lean closer & notice my skin is drier than it use to be. all this I see. .& all this I see as flaws
Before, I saw my belly as a beautiful testament of the life growing inside of me & I still can see it that way most days. . but some days I look in the mirror & shake my head. . .I'm not Hollywood. . . I'm not a super model (never was). I don 't have a flat tummy, huge boobs & a tanned body. I never have, doubt I ever will. I am not longer as young as i use to be. . .
I've seen what he looks at. Young perfect (fake) women. . .tanned. ..flat tummy, huge boobs. .young. . . .19-20 most likely
Everything I'm not.
& it messes with my head. It messed with my self esteem. . .its like entering one of those mirror houses at a fair & seeing your image skewed. . & you wonder what is real. . . .I wonder that a lot now. . I look in the mirror & wonder what is real. . . what makes me real is what makes him look somewhere else?
& part of me know its a mind game. . .it's Satan whispering lies to me. . .the same ones he whispers to my husband. . .Satan wants me to lose this battle. He wants me to hate myself . . .to tear myself apart. . .he lives & breathes off weakness.
Some days are easier than others. Some days I want to throw the mirror out & never see myself again. . .
sometimes I'm stronger than that. . .It's a war though. . .every day. . .to get up & fight. . .to chose what voice to listen to. . .to fight on my knees . .
My heart is hurt & wounded but it still beats. . .
Today I might shy away from the mirror. . .but it doesn't mean I will lose
"I've been looking in the mirror for so long. .. . . Lie to me convince me I've been sick forever & all of this will make sense when I get better, but I know the difference between myself & my reflection, I just can help but wonder which one of us do you love" Evanescence
I find myself staring in the mirror more lately. I'll get ready for the day & stand in my full length mirror noticing every little thing. I wonder what he sees when he sees me now. . .does he notice what I suddenly notice? My belly is getting bigger (comes with being 21 weeks pregnant) . . . I'm breaking out more then usually, my hair is dry & my highlights have faded. I lean closer & notice my skin is drier than it use to be. all this I see. .& all this I see as flaws
Before, I saw my belly as a beautiful testament of the life growing inside of me & I still can see it that way most days. . but some days I look in the mirror & shake my head. . .I'm not Hollywood. . . I'm not a super model (never was). I don 't have a flat tummy, huge boobs & a tanned body. I never have, doubt I ever will. I am not longer as young as i use to be. . .
I've seen what he looks at. Young perfect (fake) women. . .tanned. ..flat tummy, huge boobs. .young. . . .19-20 most likely
Everything I'm not.
& it messes with my head. It messed with my self esteem. . .its like entering one of those mirror houses at a fair & seeing your image skewed. . & you wonder what is real. . . .I wonder that a lot now. . I look in the mirror & wonder what is real. . . what makes me real is what makes him look somewhere else?
& part of me know its a mind game. . .it's Satan whispering lies to me. . .the same ones he whispers to my husband. . .Satan wants me to lose this battle. He wants me to hate myself . . .to tear myself apart. . .he lives & breathes off weakness.
Some days are easier than others. Some days I want to throw the mirror out & never see myself again. . .
sometimes I'm stronger than that. . .It's a war though. . .every day. . .to get up & fight. . .to chose what voice to listen to. . .to fight on my knees . .
My heart is hurt & wounded but it still beats. . .
Today I might shy away from the mirror. . .but it doesn't mean I will lose
"I've been looking in the mirror for so long. .. . . Lie to me convince me I've been sick forever & all of this will make sense when I get better, but I know the difference between myself & my reflection, I just can help but wonder which one of us do you love" Evanescence
Thursday, March 4, 2010
bleeding under your eyelids tonight
"her pain is a fog he inhales. .its just another night with a sad different song. . .she still believes the lies . . .another hour in front of the mirror now the scars are shown" Blindside
There are days, like today, when the paranoia feels like a wave about to consume me & take me under. All the lies I've been told circle around me, caught in the whirlwind of betrayal. It's days like this when I look into the mirror & wonder what I've become. . .when did I end up here, broken & bruised, crawling down this road of life. I feel paranoid today as he leaves for school, I wonder if there is more that is hidden, more lies being spun to sound like poetry. I find myself analyzing every little detail. . .did he leave early, come home late . .& i hate this about myself. This is what betrayal can do. . .it can turn you into a beast you begin to loathe. . .it can make you question everything.
I wonder, if the day will come, when I will have trust back. I fought so hard to claw my way back to a place of trust, only to find it unstable & once again collapsing upon me. The aftermath can be so brutal, laughing at my broken form, telling me I am the blame. I should of seen it coming, I shouldn't of given him another chance after the 2nd emotional affair.
I have people tell me, all the time, its just . .fake. Its not real. . its not like he's actually out with these women he lusts over on the computer screen, but to me, its the same. The Bible tells us if we lust after someone we already committed adultery with them in our heart. . .& I do believe that with all my heart. . . I always have. . .& so I take this road alone a lot. With voices that mock, with a heart that bleeds. ..with a God that heals. . .
Right now though. . .it seems so long & empty. It can feel so alone. . .I crawl. . .I limp. . but I will move on. . .on step. . one day at a time
There are days, like today, when the paranoia feels like a wave about to consume me & take me under. All the lies I've been told circle around me, caught in the whirlwind of betrayal. It's days like this when I look into the mirror & wonder what I've become. . .when did I end up here, broken & bruised, crawling down this road of life. I feel paranoid today as he leaves for school, I wonder if there is more that is hidden, more lies being spun to sound like poetry. I find myself analyzing every little detail. . .did he leave early, come home late . .& i hate this about myself. This is what betrayal can do. . .it can turn you into a beast you begin to loathe. . .it can make you question everything.
I wonder, if the day will come, when I will have trust back. I fought so hard to claw my way back to a place of trust, only to find it unstable & once again collapsing upon me. The aftermath can be so brutal, laughing at my broken form, telling me I am the blame. I should of seen it coming, I shouldn't of given him another chance after the 2nd emotional affair.
I have people tell me, all the time, its just . .fake. Its not real. . its not like he's actually out with these women he lusts over on the computer screen, but to me, its the same. The Bible tells us if we lust after someone we already committed adultery with them in our heart. . .& I do believe that with all my heart. . . I always have. . .& so I take this road alone a lot. With voices that mock, with a heart that bleeds. ..with a God that heals. . .
Right now though. . .it seems so long & empty. It can feel so alone. . .I crawl. . .I limp. . but I will move on. . .on step. . one day at a time
as the door opens i can feel your sadness from across the room
(blindside)
Monday, March 1, 2010
watching the world through tainted eyes
I find myself watching couples more when I go out. When we sit in a restaurant or standing in line at the store, I find my eyes seeking out couples & studying them. I wonder what secrets lie between them. I wonder if they hide things from each other, if they are happy. Sometimes I wonder if one of them is bleeding alone in silence, hiding their scars from the world.
& I wonder, when they look at us, what do they can? Can they see the truth in my eyes? Can they see the shattered trust in midst the us? The remains of a broken promise? Sometimes I wonder if it falls from my face, the truth, the pain I try to keep hidden.
I know there are so many others out there, hiding from the world what breaks them in silence. Many struggle with the aftermath of addictions, whether its drugs, alcohol, sex, porn etc. ..it all can tear apart a couple & leave behind shadows of what use to be.
I know there are other women out there, crying themselves to sleep tonight because their husbands chose some fake fantasy over them. Once again they curl up in bed alone as their husband sits in front of the glow of a computer screen, not caring or realizing he's tearing his wife to pieces with what he watches. So many women are lonely, walking like ghosts through their house, wondering what is wrong with them, wondering why it has to hurt so much.
I am that ghost. I am the one staring at myself in the mirror, watching other couples, staring at the ceiling wondering over all the if only's. . .
& I wonder, when they look at us, what do they can? Can they see the truth in my eyes? Can they see the shattered trust in midst the us? The remains of a broken promise? Sometimes I wonder if it falls from my face, the truth, the pain I try to keep hidden.
I know there are so many others out there, hiding from the world what breaks them in silence. Many struggle with the aftermath of addictions, whether its drugs, alcohol, sex, porn etc. ..it all can tear apart a couple & leave behind shadows of what use to be.
I know there are other women out there, crying themselves to sleep tonight because their husbands chose some fake fantasy over them. Once again they curl up in bed alone as their husband sits in front of the glow of a computer screen, not caring or realizing he's tearing his wife to pieces with what he watches. So many women are lonely, walking like ghosts through their house, wondering what is wrong with them, wondering why it has to hurt so much.
I am that ghost. I am the one staring at myself in the mirror, watching other couples, staring at the ceiling wondering over all the if only's. . .
Sunday, February 28, 2010
This is the beginning
I am starting this new blog, as a place to pour out my thoughts, my pain, my struggle & hopefully, reach out to others who are in my position.
I know many do not agree with me, but to me porn is cheating. My husband (who shall remain anon for the time) knows this. The first time I found out he was looking at it, I asked him about it, & he lied. Finally he admitted it to me & I was honest about how I felt. He said he would quit. We got consuling & things seemed better. We got married & he was "clean" for almost a year
Until this week when I found out he was looking again. He said he started again about a month ago. About when I started showing.
This blog is my journey through this pain. I want other women out there, who are NOT ok with it, thats it OK not to be. Men don't need to look at it, not all men do. If a wife is not ok with it, she should not be insulted, bashed or anything cause of it.
This is a place for healing for me, & maybe, for others.
I know many do not agree with me, but to me porn is cheating. My husband (who shall remain anon for the time) knows this. The first time I found out he was looking at it, I asked him about it, & he lied. Finally he admitted it to me & I was honest about how I felt. He said he would quit. We got consuling & things seemed better. We got married & he was "clean" for almost a year
Until this week when I found out he was looking again. He said he started again about a month ago. About when I started showing.
This blog is my journey through this pain. I want other women out there, who are NOT ok with it, thats it OK not to be. Men don't need to look at it, not all men do. If a wife is not ok with it, she should not be insulted, bashed or anything cause of it.
This is a place for healing for me, & maybe, for others.
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