To me, one of the worst things about this aftermath, is the paranoia that weaves it's way throughout my veins. It's like a siren, luring me into another sea of doubt & leaving me stranded. I'm constantly wanting to check his phone, computer, even his book bag. I worry when he goes to school. . deep inside I'm worried the porn is just the tip of the iceberg, that there is more he is hiding. He had done it before.
I hate this second guessing, this looking over my shoulder. I wonder. . .will it always be like this? Will I always have to wonder what he's is doing, thinking, hiding? When does trust come back?
Right now its like my brain is severed in two conflicting thoughts. . .& this Civil War inside of me is leaving me weary. Will I be forever scarred by fallen armies that litter the surface of all my thoughts? The landscape can seem so bleak & cold in the midst of war. . .who really wins when everything is collapsing around & leaving behind the slain of what use to be?
Sometimes my mind wanders back to what use to be. .. before I stumbled upon all of this. . .& I know why some say ignorance is bliss . . .but I know I needed to find out. . .it will, if i let it, make me stronger. I live to fight each day. . . to raise from the ashes. . .to raise my arms & lift my face to the sky & know. . .one day. . .this will. . .make sense. . .this will no longer consume my brain at night or leave me breathless. ..one day.
One day
"Messiah I know YOu are there, catching & carrying this beautiful mess" Sixpence None the RIcher
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