Lately it seems like we go one step forward & two steps back. . .our words seem to circle around like a dog chasing his tail. The other night we stayed up late, talking, throwing words back & forth. . .He has talked to someone about this. . .& for that, I am grateful, but I also see he doesn't want to do everything he can. . .I asked him to please put a filter on his computer. . .& he is refusing. To me, that is a sign, he is not really serious about ending this. . .habit. His excuse is that he can get around it anyways if he really wants to, & he doesn't see the point. I told him it would give me peace of mind a bit.. .even a sliver. . .& a little is better than none. . .two steps back.
The next day he talked to that guy again, a pastor & friend, & we decided all three of us need to get together sometime to make this work. . .one step forward .
I know he gets frustrated that I don't trust him. . .but he should of thought of that before he trampled on our vows. He knew. He knew every time he logged on what was at risk. . .He knew. & he didn't care. He was selfish. . & can still be. I find it selfish he won't put a filter on for me. I find it selfish he got mad at me cause I asked him to not get on the computer at night when were all in bed.
& everything just seems to go in circles. The words, the thoughts, the actions. . round & round they go making me dizzy. . .making me breathless. I get so tired of it sometimes. its like I'm running around, but getting no where. It's like we're. . .a shipwreck & floundering in the black waters.
All of this brings back painful memories of a lifetime ago. . .this isn't the first time he's betrayed me. . .& sometimes I wonder if I'm just too blind to see the truth. . . or if there really is hope for us.
I just have to take one breath at a time. . .& pray we can keep moving forward
This pain is just to real. .theres just to much that time cannot erase - Evanescence
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