words that can't be spoken

Today is another bad day. . I cried for the first time since . . .all of these. Words other people have said have cut me to pieces. . .& I feel. . .blamed again for the devastation in my marriage. Maybe I did make him turn away. . .maybe I could of said more, or been more, or. . .just or.

Sometimes its like I'm drowning & very few people understand. I've had some wonderful women reach out to me & I am so thankful for them. . .they will never know how much they've blessed me. . .but sometimes. . .all the other voices are so much louder. I feel  like I'm being torn apart fiber by fiber &  no one even notices as I fall apart
 Am I to blame? Is there really more I could of been? Said? Done?
Who is to blame?
& does it really matter?
Today my heart is raw & bleeding. . .I ache from the inside out. . .last night I went to bed. . alone. . again. . wondering. . . if. . .yes. The dreaded if. I feel like I'm crawling a lot lately. . .slowly inching my way down this path . . .trying to believe there  is some. . .light at the end. . some hope. A way to heal. . .
Its all i can do
Just. ..Breathe
"I cannot trust these voices. . .I have no fear of drowning, its the breathing, thats taking all this work, do you know, what i mean, when i say, i don't want to be alone" Jars of Clay