you know I'll live to fight another day

I realize, all of this, has opened up old wounds that I kept hidden from much of the world. Most of my life I've struggled with feeling. . .good enough in the eyes of others. Growing up, we were . . .poor. I grew up in 2nd hand clothes, in a trailer park. . . I was the one kids made fun of. I was the one they called. ..trash. I wasn't good enough by their standreds.
When I went to college it was a bit better, I was no longer made fun of, but I still felt. . .out of place. . .like a ghost lingering upon the campus. . .just. . .getting by. . .I had friends. . .yet felt on the outside a lot of the time. . .watching in silence as people went about doing. . .so much more then I had the guts to do. People that I felt were. ..prettier, smarter, than me.
When I met my husband. . .we met online & we were good friends. He saw me real me. . .inside & out. He knew my fears & insecurities . . yet. . he liked me. ..& that like turned to love. . .I remember meeting for the first time. . .moonlit walks, stars falling, the waves against the harbor. . .
He saw me. . he married me
Now. . .sometimes. . .he discards me.
& I wonder what I learn in all of this. If I dig deep enough, will I find the truth buried inside of me. . .or maybe. . .just maybe this isn't. ..about me?  Maybe there is more to it then ugly scars & buried pain. . .maybe. . .its more than. . .me?
Maybe this wreckage isn't based on who I am. ..maybe who I am isn't. ..that poor little girl dressed in second hand clothes. .. that girl who read means comments online & nearly stopped eating. . who cried herself to sleep many times. . .maybe. . .
Maybe I can be more.
Maybe I can reach beyond this. . .all of this. The doubt. The past. The scars. . .the ..betrayal.
Maybe. just maybe there is so much more to all of this. .. then me. Maybe, in the end, its not even about ME.
take me or leave me, don't have to believe me, all the words I have to say, all the songs that fly away, take me or leave me, believe me, good will come, its alright , its ok , you know I'll live to fight another day" Delirious