There are days, like today, when the paranoia feels like a wave about to consume me & take me under. All the lies I've been told circle around me, caught in the whirlwind of betrayal. It's days like this when I look into the mirror & wonder what I've become. . .when did I end up here, broken & bruised, crawling down this road of life. I feel paranoid today as he leaves for school, I wonder if there is more that is hidden, more lies being spun to sound like poetry. I find myself analyzing every little detail. . .did he leave early, come home late . .& i hate this about myself. This is what betrayal can do. . .it can turn you into a beast you begin to loathe. . .it can make you question everything.
I wonder, if the day will come, when I will have trust back. I fought so hard to claw my way back to a place of trust, only to find it unstable & once again collapsing upon me. The aftermath can be so brutal, laughing at my broken form, telling me I am the blame. I should of seen it coming, I shouldn't of given him another chance after the 2nd emotional affair.
I have people tell me, all the time, its just . .fake. Its not real. . its not like he's actually out with these women he lusts over on the computer screen, but to me, its the same. The Bible tells us if we lust after someone we already committed adultery with them in our heart. . .& I do believe that with all my heart. . . I always have. . .& so I take this road alone a lot. With voices that mock, with a heart that bleeds. ..with a God that heals. . .
Right now though. . .it seems so long & empty. It can feel so alone. . .I crawl. . .I limp. . but I will move on. . .on step. . one day at a time
as the door opens i can feel your sadness from across the room
(blindside)
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