dont want to be perfect -just alright

Things haven't really changed all that much. . .I still am struggling with loneliness. I'm always amazed how you can be around someone yet feel so all alone. It seems like we spend so much time apart & even the time we are together we are in our own little worlds. 
I miss how things use to be. When we would talk for hours & stay  up late. When we would go for walks. ..it brings back memories of Charleston &  night walks to the harbor or on the beach. Reminders of sunrises & long drives just to get away.
& I wonder what went wrong. Is it just things change for no reason or is there some deeper, underlying issue I am not even aware of?  I realize life brings changes, especially after you become a parent, but I guess I never expect SO many changes. . . I didn't expect this. ..grand canyon yawning between us.
I fear all of this will push him further. . .more likely to stumble & go back to. ..that trash.  & I wonder if its paranoia or that gut feeling. ..& how do I even know the difference anymore.
I know I just need to breathe & turn this over to God but some days it's so hard. Some days all I see is the scars & the ashes left behind from charred out dreams..
Sometimes i want to give up. Sometimes I just don't even know how to let go & move on. Sometimes. Sometimes
"sometimes I don't want to be better, sometimes I can't put myself back together"
 Skillet