It's amazing how life can be two very distinct halves, in black & white with all shades of gray vanishing. How you can have sunshine & thunderstorms at the same time, & you wonder which one will overtake you & drench your senses.
I had my beautiful baby girl over a week again. It was one of the greatest, yet hardest moments of my life. She is perfect & we are doing well.
We got home on Saturday where I found out once again he was looking at. . .crap while I was in the hospital, recovering from having his baby. It hurts worse this time then all the other times before, knowing where I was. He was there for every second of my labor. He knows how hard it was, how much pain I was in at the end. He heard my cries as I pushed our sunshine into this world.
But it wasn't enough.
He came home, laid in our bed, & watched fake girls get it on.
It kills me.
There is something so much more cold about it this time. . .like ice in my veins, crawling through them on slow heartbeat at a time. . .this betrayal is so hard to take. . . realizing how selfish he is. . .how weak he is. . .how tired of it I am
sometimes the fight just seems to much to take. Sometimes I am so tired of it all I just want to say "I'm done" & walk away.
The voices of the past just echo around my head, screaming at me, this fear he will never change. That this will be my life for. . .ever.
& I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with it. It's not fair. t
the song slow fade, by Casting Crowns, as become my. .theme. it's such a true song. . & it scares me crap out of me. . .I've seen the slow fade before. . .the porn turning to him talking to other women. . .& i fear. . it will happen again
"the journey from your mind to your hands, is closer than your thinking. . .its a slow fade when you give yourself away. . .daddies never crumble in a day" Casting Crowns
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