caught in the in between -a beautiful disaster

Sometimes, I realize, that is what life is. A beautiful disaster.  There is so many different tones that can make up one's life. . .the sad dark tones in minor key & the happy, hands in the air music that make you ache from the beauty.  There are those days when I feel the doubts come in, sneaking around my ankles, threatening to pull me under again. Those are the days that I over analyze everything. . .the questions a siren in my head. Then there are the days that I am ok. . .that I know we are clawing our way to healing. . .& I feel at peace at how far we've gotten.
Living life with someone who is easily manipulated by lies & fake can be overwhelming. It can tear apart all self esteem that resided deep inside. Sometime I stare in the mirror at myself but in my minds eye I can see the women he had looked at. ..lusted over & it rips me to pieces again. If i took my hand to the mirror & destroyed it, would I find a different me? Or would I be lost within the shards? Those moments when the questions swirl around my head like a deadly whirlpool. I'm chaining myself to the mast to avoid the sirens. . .yet they lure me.  I want to dig into his mind sometimes, to make sense of it all. . .why someone would continue to do what kills someone they say the love. . .
Some days I feel like we've come so far. . .other days I wonder if it's all an illusion.  I know he is trying. . .yet I wonder sometimes. . .we don't have much time together so it's easy to inhale the doubts that circle me.
Dear God this is . ..the art of breaking. Tearing apart myself & digging into what makes me . . .me. Pulling apart all the walls I've protected myself with. . .finding some sort of peace even when it all falls down all around me.  To know desert days don't last forever. . . .to realize God is bigger then all of this. . .to trust that one day. . .one day. . .the healing rains will cover me in their healing grace & I'll laugh from deep inside . ..That one day my husband & I will look back at all of this & give a small sad shake of our heads but smile at all we've learned.
This. . .is my journey. For better or worse.
she would change everything for happy ever after, caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster" Jon Mclaughlin