i tried to be strong -but it's killing me

Deep down, I don't think he'll ever change. I don't think he wants to. I think he says words to pacify me   & then does what he wants. . .he still is looking at those sites, still hiding it from me. Still.. . my self worth feels rock bottom. My body has changed so much. . . i see it every time I look in the mirror. . . I feel it everytime I roll out of bed. & it makes me want to hide.
It's a cycle. Part of me doesn't want to even let him touch me knowing the crap he looks at . . .but if I don't I fear he'll just run to his fake crap. . .but then again he goes to that even when we are. . .more active.
It's like a slap in the face. . .I work hard taking care of the kids, up all night taking care of our daughter. . . & this is how he thanks me. He fantasizes about fake, young, skinny chicks. Everything I'm not & never will be.
I dreamed last night that I found out he was cheating on me. . . & that fear does mar my being a lot. He has before. . .emotionally. . .what would stop it from happening again? It wouldn't be too hard for him considering I'm home all the time with the kids.
So do I just keep fighting. . .or can I just walk away? I'm tired of feeling like this. . .I'm tired of the doubt, the paranoia. The pain of it all. I'm tired of being unhappy. I'm trying to fight for our marriage but I can't do it alone.  It's like. ..Picketts Charge all over again. . I"m running headlong into the fray in a last ditch effort to win the battle. But all that is left is carnage.
"crying myself to sleep cause i cannot keep their attention, i tried to be strong, but it's killing me" Bethany Dillion