she walked away

Some days it would be so much easier to just. . walk away. To pack my bags. . .& get in the car & go. . .far far away. To get away from everything that falls apart around me. . .I am so tired of the breakage. . .tired of the aftermath & lies. Tired of finding out once again. . .I've been betrayed.  Sometimes. . .it would be easier to lie to myself, look away as the sky falls down. . .to pretend its ok. ..
I thought things were getting better. . .that he was getting serious but I realize again i believed the same dang lie. Once again . . I am the fool. . .sometimes I wonder how hard is he even trying. . .it seems like he only cares about himself. .his desires. . his..."wants" & im sick of it.
Im sick of being left behind as he pursues one fantasy after another. I'm tired of standing alone as the stars cascade down over my broken form. So tired of breathing in the same stale air each day & wondering why I'm choking on its stentch.
I'm so tired.
why am i the only one fighting?
" you keep coming back disassembled, & I keep losing the fight" Emery

you know I'll live to fight another day

I realize, all of this, has opened up old wounds that I kept hidden from much of the world. Most of my life I've struggled with feeling. . .good enough in the eyes of others. Growing up, we were . . .poor. I grew up in 2nd hand clothes, in a trailer park. . . I was the one kids made fun of. I was the one they called. ..trash. I wasn't good enough by their standreds.
When I went to college it was a bit better, I was no longer made fun of, but I still felt. . .out of place. . .like a ghost lingering upon the campus. . .just. . .getting by. . .I had friends. . .yet felt on the outside a lot of the time. . .watching in silence as people went about doing. . .so much more then I had the guts to do. People that I felt were. ..prettier, smarter, than me.
When I met my husband. . .we met online & we were good friends. He saw me real me. . .inside & out. He knew my fears & insecurities . . yet. . he liked me. ..& that like turned to love. . .I remember meeting for the first time. . .moonlit walks, stars falling, the waves against the harbor. . .
He saw me. . he married me
Now. . .sometimes. . .he discards me.
& I wonder what I learn in all of this. If I dig deep enough, will I find the truth buried inside of me. . .or maybe. . .just maybe this isn't. ..about me?  Maybe there is more to it then ugly scars & buried pain. . .maybe. . .its more than. . .me?
Maybe this wreckage isn't based on who I am. ..maybe who I am isn't. ..that poor little girl dressed in second hand clothes. .. that girl who read means comments online & nearly stopped eating. . who cried herself to sleep many times. . .maybe. . .
Maybe I can be more.
Maybe I can reach beyond this. . .all of this. The doubt. The past. The scars. . .the ..betrayal.
Maybe. just maybe there is so much more to all of this. .. then me. Maybe, in the end, its not even about ME.
take me or leave me, don't have to believe me, all the words I have to say, all the songs that fly away, take me or leave me, believe me, good will come, its alright , its ok , you know I'll live to fight another day" Delirious

learning to breathe

I realize, every day I have a choice, that only I can make. I can embrace the day, & find the good, I can let go of the past & the baggage, I can look in the mirror & see beauty OR I can let myself dwell on the  negative. I can put myself down. I can live on regrets. . .
I've been running around in circles for a while, trying to know what I should feel, how I should handle it. . . sometimes I forget to . . .just breathe. To throw up my hands to the sky & let it all go.  . . to not second guess everything. . .to let go. . .to live more.
Cause doubt eats you alive. It tears you up inside.  .piece by piece until you trust nothing ..you're always looking over your shoulder to see if the sky is still intact.  It can leave me bitter & cold. . .the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. . .
I want to be more. I want each day to be new. I want to see the sun & feel it's warmth. I want to feel grace pour over me like rain. . .I want to fight the voices that whisper I'll never be good enough. . .
& its up to me. I need to decide each day. .. so today I chose. . .to live. To open my eyes. . .to live.

Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is the way that I say I need You
This is the way that I'm

Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

So this is the way I say I need You
This is the way that I say I love You
This is the way that I say I'm Yours
This is the way, this is the way 
Switchfoot

rising from these ashes

I've always been fascinated by the Phoenix. I always loved the idea of this creature, broken down & shattered yet finding the strength to rise above it's situation. . to beat it's bleeding wings against the sky even when the world says not to. . .to open eyes that are blood shot from crying. . . to take another breath &  open its mouth to let out a song (according to the myth they sang beautiful. . of course I don't actually BELIEVE the myth i just love the idea of it). . .
I want to rise above this aftermath. . . I want to raise my hands to the sky & lift up my eyes to the Maker of the stars. I want to find my heartbeat again within my chest & realize all isn't frozen. I want to look in the mirror & smile. . .realizing I am beautiful. I want to sing again. . .& I will.
I will reach for the nail scarred hands that holds up the sky & beckons the waves. I will rest in the wings of the my Savior who bled for me. . .
I will get down on my knees. . on my face & pray for husband. For HIS healing. I will reach out to him with love. . .I will NOT let go. I will NOT let this break us. I will NOT let this world beat me up for what i believe. . .I will overcome this tragedy. I will fly again. I will heal.
with God
"all I missed in all of this was You. . find in me (You're the only home, the only home I know) 
a trace of You in all this tragedy. . .I've never learned to walk the surface on my own, so lately this Ocean floor being feeling more like home" Project 86

words that can't be spoken

Today is another bad day. . I cried for the first time since . . .all of these. Words other people have said have cut me to pieces. . .& I feel. . .blamed again for the devastation in my marriage. Maybe I did make him turn away. . .maybe I could of said more, or been more, or. . .just or.

Sometimes its like I'm drowning & very few people understand. I've had some wonderful women reach out to me & I am so thankful for them. . .they will never know how much they've blessed me. . .but sometimes. . .all the other voices are so much louder. I feel  like I'm being torn apart fiber by fiber &  no one even notices as I fall apart
 Am I to blame? Is there really more I could of been? Said? Done?
Who is to blame?
& does it really matter?
Today my heart is raw & bleeding. . .I ache from the inside out. . .last night I went to bed. . alone. . again. . wondering. . . if. . .yes. The dreaded if. I feel like I'm crawling a lot lately. . .slowly inching my way down this path . . .trying to believe there  is some. . .light at the end. . some hope. A way to heal. . .
Its all i can do
Just. ..Breathe
"I cannot trust these voices. . .I have no fear of drowning, its the breathing, thats taking all this work, do you know, what i mean, when i say, i don't want to be alone" Jars of Clay

Don't you know your beautiful

Sometimes, out of no where, I will open my eyes, if even for a split second, & I'll feel beautiful. I will look in the mirror & see my protruding belly & realize its new life in there. . .it's not Hollywood but its something. ..so much more. It's the beginning of a new person who will one day, change the world & that is more important then . . .posing nude online & making men lust. It's more important then being on tv pretending to be someone I'm not. It's so much more. It's real. It's not fake tans & plastic boobs. . .its real. My boobs sag, my skin is dry, my hair is a mess right now. ..but its ok.
Cause I'm beautiful
& I don't care if he agrees or not at these moment.
If he would rather have fake girl online then me. .its HIS LOSS. Not mine
Not anymore

just tell me what happened when things went wrong,  we'll try to make sense of it all,  please don't blame yourself. . .don't you know that you're beautiful. . .cant you see what you mean to Me" Seabird

Let Your love be strong

Lately it seems like we go one step forward & two steps back. . .our words seem to circle around like a dog chasing his tail. The other night we stayed up late, talking, throwing words back & forth. . .He has talked to someone about this. . .& for that, I am grateful, but I also see he doesn't want to do everything he can. . .I asked him to please put a filter on his computer. . .& he is refusing. To me, that is a sign, he is not really serious about ending this. . .habit.  His excuse is that he can get around it anyways if he really wants to, & he doesn't see the point.  I told him it would give me peace of mind a bit.. .even a sliver. . .&  a little is better than none. . .two steps back.
The next day he talked to that guy again, a pastor & friend, & we decided all three of us need to get together sometime to make this work. . .one step forward .
I know he gets frustrated that I don't trust him. . .but he should of thought of that before he trampled on our vows. He knew. He knew every time he logged on what was at risk. . .He knew. & he didn't care.  He was selfish. . & can still be. I find it selfish he won't put a filter on for me. I find it selfish he got mad at me cause I asked him to not get on the computer at night when were all in bed. 
& everything just seems to go in circles. The words, the thoughts, the actions. . round & round they go making me dizzy. . .making me breathless. I get so tired of it sometimes. its like I'm running around, but getting no where. It's like we're. . .a shipwreck & floundering in the black waters.
All of this brings back painful memories of a lifetime ago. . .this isn't the first time he's betrayed me. . .& sometimes I wonder if I'm just too blind to see the truth. . . or if there really is hope for us.
I just have to take one breath at a time. . .& pray we can keep moving forward

This pain is just to real. .theres just to much that time cannot erase - Evanescence

convince me I've been sick forever

To me, one of the worst things about this aftermath, is the paranoia that weaves it's way throughout my veins. It's like a siren, luring me into another sea of doubt & leaving me stranded.  I'm constantly wanting to check his phone, computer, even his book bag. I worry when he goes to school.  . deep inside I'm worried the porn is just the tip  of the iceberg, that there is more he is hiding. He had done it before.
I hate this second guessing, this looking over my shoulder. I wonder. . .will it always be like this? Will I always have to wonder what he's is doing, thinking, hiding?  When does trust come back?
Right now its like my brain is severed in two conflicting thoughts. . .& this Civil War inside of me is leaving me weary.  Will I be forever scarred by fallen armies that litter the surface of all my thoughts? The landscape can seem so bleak & cold in the midst of war. . .who really wins when everything is collapsing around & leaving behind the slain of what use to be?
Sometimes my mind wanders back to what use to be. .. before I stumbled upon all of this. . .& I know why some say ignorance is bliss . . .but I know I needed to find out. . .it will, if i let it, make me stronger. I live to fight each day. . . to raise from the ashes. . .to raise my arms & lift my face to the sky & know. . .one day. . .this will. . .make sense. . .this will  no longer consume my brain at night or leave me breathless. ..one day.
One day
"Messiah I know YOu are there, catching & carrying this beautiful mess" Sixpence None the RIcher

Am I not beautful enough

"it rips me apart the little things you do. . .am I not beautiful enough for you?" Radial Angel

I find myself staring in the mirror more lately. I'll get ready for the day & stand in my full length mirror noticing every little thing. I wonder what he sees when he sees me now. . .does he notice what I suddenly notice? My belly is getting bigger (comes with being 21 weeks pregnant) .  . . I'm breaking out more then usually, my hair is dry & my highlights have faded.  I lean closer & notice my skin is drier than it use to be.  all this I see. .& all this I see as flaws
Before, I saw my belly as a beautiful testament of the life growing inside of me & I still can see it that way most days. . but some days I look in the mirror & shake my head. . .I'm not Hollywood. . . I'm not a super model (never was). I don 't have a flat tummy, huge boobs & a tanned body. I never have, doubt I ever will. I am not longer as young as i use to be. . .
I've seen what he looks at. Young perfect (fake) women. . .tanned. ..flat tummy, huge boobs. .young. . . .19-20 most likely
Everything I'm not.
& it messes with my head. It messed with my self esteem. . .its like entering one of those mirror houses at a fair & seeing your image skewed.  .  & you wonder what is real. . . .I wonder that a lot now. .  I look in the mirror & wonder what is real. . .  what makes me real is what makes him look somewhere else? 
& part of me know its a mind game. . .it's Satan whispering lies to me. . .the same ones he whispers to my husband. . .Satan wants me to lose this battle. He wants me to hate myself . . .to tear myself apart. . .he lives & breathes off weakness.
Some days are easier than others. Some days I want to throw the mirror out & never see myself again. . .
sometimes I'm stronger than that. . .It's a war though. . .every day. . .to get up & fight. . .to chose what voice to listen to. . .to fight on my knees . .
My heart is hurt & wounded but it still beats.  . .
Today I might shy away from the mirror. . .but it doesn't mean I will lose
"I've been looking in the mirror for so long. .. . . Lie to me convince me I've been sick forever & all of this will make sense when I get better, but I know the difference between myself & my reflection, I just can help but wonder which one of us do you love" Evanescence

bleeding under your eyelids tonight

 "her pain is a fog he inhales. .its just another night with a sad different song. . .she still believes the lies . . .another hour in front of the mirror now the scars are shown" Blindside

There are days, like today, when the paranoia feels like a wave about to consume me & take me under. All the lies I've been told circle around me, caught in the whirlwind of betrayal.  It's days like this when I look into the mirror & wonder what I've become. . .when did I end up here, broken & bruised, crawling down this road of life. I feel paranoid today as he leaves for school, I wonder if there is more that is hidden, more lies being spun to sound like poetry. I find myself analyzing every little detail. . .did he leave early, come home late . .& i hate this about myself. This is what betrayal can do. . .it can turn you into a beast you begin to loathe. . .it can make you question everything.
I wonder, if the day will come, when I will have trust back. I fought so hard to claw my way back to a place of trust, only to find it unstable & once again collapsing upon me.  The aftermath can be so brutal, laughing at my broken form, telling me I am the blame. I should of seen it coming, I shouldn't of given him another chance after the 2nd emotional affair.
I have people tell me, all the time, its just . .fake. Its not real. . its not like he's actually out with these women he lusts over on the computer screen, but to me, its the same. The Bible tells us if we lust after someone we already committed adultery with them in our heart. . .& I do believe that with all my heart. . . I always have. . .& so I take this road alone a lot. With voices that mock, with a heart that bleeds. ..with a God that heals. . .
Right now though. . .it seems so long & empty. It can feel so alone. . .I crawl. . .I limp. . but I will move on. . .on step. . one day at a time

as the door opens i can feel your sadness from across the room

(blindside) 

watching the world through tainted eyes

I find myself watching couples more when I go out. When we sit in a restaurant or standing in line at the store, I find my eyes seeking out couples & studying them.  I wonder what secrets lie between them. I wonder if they hide things from each other, if they are happy. Sometimes I wonder if one of them is bleeding alone in silence, hiding their scars from the world.
& I wonder, when they look at us, what do they can? Can they see the truth in my eyes? Can they see the shattered trust in midst the us? The remains of a broken promise? Sometimes I wonder if it falls from my face, the truth, the pain I try to keep hidden.
I know there are so many others out there, hiding from the world what breaks them in silence. Many struggle with the aftermath of addictions, whether its drugs, alcohol, sex, porn etc. ..it all can tear apart a couple & leave behind shadows of what use to be. 
I know there are other women out there, crying themselves to sleep tonight because their husbands chose some fake fantasy over them. Once again they curl up in bed alone as their husband sits in front of the glow of a computer screen, not caring or realizing he's tearing his wife to pieces with what he watches. So many women are lonely, walking like ghosts through their house, wondering what is wrong with them, wondering why it has to hurt so much.
I am that ghost. I am the one staring at myself in the mirror, watching other couples, staring at the ceiling wondering over all the if only's. . .