i tried to be strong -but it's killing me

Deep down, I don't think he'll ever change. I don't think he wants to. I think he says words to pacify me   & then does what he wants. . .he still is looking at those sites, still hiding it from me. Still.. . my self worth feels rock bottom. My body has changed so much. . . i see it every time I look in the mirror. . . I feel it everytime I roll out of bed. & it makes me want to hide.
It's a cycle. Part of me doesn't want to even let him touch me knowing the crap he looks at . . .but if I don't I fear he'll just run to his fake crap. . .but then again he goes to that even when we are. . .more active.
It's like a slap in the face. . .I work hard taking care of the kids, up all night taking care of our daughter. . . & this is how he thanks me. He fantasizes about fake, young, skinny chicks. Everything I'm not & never will be.
I dreamed last night that I found out he was cheating on me. . . & that fear does mar my being a lot. He has before. . .emotionally. . .what would stop it from happening again? It wouldn't be too hard for him considering I'm home all the time with the kids.
So do I just keep fighting. . .or can I just walk away? I'm tired of feeling like this. . .I'm tired of the doubt, the paranoia. The pain of it all. I'm tired of being unhappy. I'm trying to fight for our marriage but I can't do it alone.  It's like. ..Picketts Charge all over again. . I"m running headlong into the fray in a last ditch effort to win the battle. But all that is left is carnage.
"crying myself to sleep cause i cannot keep their attention, i tried to be strong, but it's killing me" Bethany Dillion

she still believes the lies

Lately I avoid all mirrors. I can see the way my body has changed since giving birth. . .& it makes me feel even worse about myself.  I haven't lost all the weight I put on. ..& I'm having a hard time finding time to work out & try losing it. This is my next goal though, to lose all this weight & reach my goal weight. . .
I fear that this image now. That it isn't. .. good enough for my husband.
This is what he has done to me
I realize I should take some blame, for letting me become so defeated by it. ..but I find it hard to climb past all that has fallen around me.
I'm sure he is still looking. He went downstairs yesterday to get online instead of up in the room with me. Yeah. I know what he was doing. I'm not stupid. All the signs are still there.
Maybe some things never change.
& it kills me. I don't want to live like this all my life. . .unhappy. . .not trusting my husband. It isn't suppose to be like this. . .I know it's not all bliss but shouldn't there be more?
so much  more
"i can feel her sadness from across the room" blindside

the future feels so hard

Sometimes I find myself staring at my daughter, & breathing prayer after prayer that she doesn't have to know this pain. .. that she can walk though this life unscathed by this evil. . . .that she won't have to feel the shadows of doubt crash upon her shoulders, always wondering . . .always checking. . .I pray she knows love that she can trust always . .& not have to hold her breath from time to time just to make it through. I pray that she will be loved unconditionally. . .that everything doesn't have to be a fight. . .that she can go to bed at night reassured that her husband is thinking of her & only her. That she doesn't have to worry about what he watches as he sits in front of the glow of a computer screen. 
I pray this for my beautiful daughter. . .that she will always feel beautiful & never wonder what is wrong with her because her husbands turns to plastic women instead of real flesh. I pray this with every breath.
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed.-Leanne Womack

all the good is almost gone

It's amazing how life can be two very distinct halves, in black & white with all shades of gray vanishing. How you can have sunshine & thunderstorms at the same time, & you wonder which one will overtake you & drench your senses.
I had my beautiful baby girl over a week again. It was one of the greatest, yet hardest moments of my life. She is perfect & we are doing well.
We got home on Saturday where I found out once again he was looking at. . .crap while I was in the hospital, recovering from having his baby. It hurts worse this time then all the other times before, knowing where I was. He was there for every second of my labor. He knows how hard it was, how much pain I was in at the end. He heard my cries as I pushed our sunshine into this world.
But it wasn't enough.
He came home, laid in our bed, & watched fake girls get it on.
It kills me.
There is something so much more cold about it this time. . .like ice in my veins, crawling through them on slow heartbeat at a time. . .this betrayal is so hard to take. . . realizing how selfish he is. . .how weak he is. . .how tired of it I am
sometimes the fight just seems to much to take. Sometimes I am so tired of it all I just want to say "I'm done" & walk away. 
The voices of the past just echo around my head, screaming at me, this fear he will never change.  That this will be my life for. . .ever. 
& I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with it. It's not fair. t
the song slow fade, by Casting Crowns, as become my. .theme.  it's such a true song. . & it scares me crap out of me. . .I've seen the slow fade before. . .the porn turning to him talking to other women. . .& i fear. . it will happen again
"the journey from your mind to your hands, is closer than your thinking. . .its a slow fade when you give yourself away. . .daddies never crumble in a day" Casting Crowns

I don't want to be stranded

Out of nowhere the past will raise up & catch me in it's waves, threatening to pull me under once again. Memories claw for my attention & I'm just too weary to fight them every single time. Maybe, deep down, I'm afraid of history repeating itself.  . . so the echoes of the past beckon me.  Some of the same. .. pitfalls we had that nearly killed us before are tiptoeing around the chaos. The distance. The lack of communication. The "busyness"  It's all there at my fingertips & I have to decide if its real enough to be concerned about or if its just distant yesterdays wanting to make me doubt & fall into that darkness.
I don't always know how to move forward, to take another step. Sometimes it seems easier to stand still. . .to let it all fall apart then to keep fighting. My hands feel bloody & raw from trying to keep the sky from tumbling down in shambles. . .& I wonder if I always fight alone. Am I the only one that can see all of this? The only one that cares?
Maybe . . .maybe.
"a year goes by, & I can't talk about it" Flyleaf

dont want to be perfect -just alright

Things haven't really changed all that much. . .I still am struggling with loneliness. I'm always amazed how you can be around someone yet feel so all alone. It seems like we spend so much time apart & even the time we are together we are in our own little worlds. 
I miss how things use to be. When we would talk for hours & stay  up late. When we would go for walks. ..it brings back memories of Charleston &  night walks to the harbor or on the beach. Reminders of sunrises & long drives just to get away.
& I wonder what went wrong. Is it just things change for no reason or is there some deeper, underlying issue I am not even aware of?  I realize life brings changes, especially after you become a parent, but I guess I never expect SO many changes. . . I didn't expect this. ..grand canyon yawning between us.
I fear all of this will push him further. . .more likely to stumble & go back to. ..that trash.  & I wonder if its paranoia or that gut feeling. ..& how do I even know the difference anymore.
I know I just need to breathe & turn this over to God but some days it's so hard. Some days all I see is the scars & the ashes left behind from charred out dreams..
Sometimes i want to give up. Sometimes I just don't even know how to let go & move on. Sometimes. Sometimes
"sometimes I don't want to be better, sometimes I can't put myself back together"
 Skillet

caught in the in between -a beautiful disaster

Sometimes, I realize, that is what life is. A beautiful disaster.  There is so many different tones that can make up one's life. . .the sad dark tones in minor key & the happy, hands in the air music that make you ache from the beauty.  There are those days when I feel the doubts come in, sneaking around my ankles, threatening to pull me under again. Those are the days that I over analyze everything. . .the questions a siren in my head. Then there are the days that I am ok. . .that I know we are clawing our way to healing. . .& I feel at peace at how far we've gotten.
Living life with someone who is easily manipulated by lies & fake can be overwhelming. It can tear apart all self esteem that resided deep inside. Sometime I stare in the mirror at myself but in my minds eye I can see the women he had looked at. ..lusted over & it rips me to pieces again. If i took my hand to the mirror & destroyed it, would I find a different me? Or would I be lost within the shards? Those moments when the questions swirl around my head like a deadly whirlpool. I'm chaining myself to the mast to avoid the sirens. . .yet they lure me.  I want to dig into his mind sometimes, to make sense of it all. . .why someone would continue to do what kills someone they say the love. . .
Some days I feel like we've come so far. . .other days I wonder if it's all an illusion.  I know he is trying. . .yet I wonder sometimes. . .we don't have much time together so it's easy to inhale the doubts that circle me.
Dear God this is . ..the art of breaking. Tearing apart myself & digging into what makes me . . .me. Pulling apart all the walls I've protected myself with. . .finding some sort of peace even when it all falls down all around me.  To know desert days don't last forever. . . .to realize God is bigger then all of this. . .to trust that one day. . .one day. . .the healing rains will cover me in their healing grace & I'll laugh from deep inside . ..That one day my husband & I will look back at all of this & give a small sad shake of our heads but smile at all we've learned.
This. . .is my journey. For better or worse.
she would change everything for happy ever after, caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster" Jon Mclaughlin