caught in the in between -a beautiful disaster

Sometimes, I realize, that is what life is. A beautiful disaster.  There is so many different tones that can make up one's life. . .the sad dark tones in minor key & the happy, hands in the air music that make you ache from the beauty.  There are those days when I feel the doubts come in, sneaking around my ankles, threatening to pull me under again. Those are the days that I over analyze everything. . .the questions a siren in my head. Then there are the days that I am ok. . .that I know we are clawing our way to healing. . .& I feel at peace at how far we've gotten.
Living life with someone who is easily manipulated by lies & fake can be overwhelming. It can tear apart all self esteem that resided deep inside. Sometime I stare in the mirror at myself but in my minds eye I can see the women he had looked at. ..lusted over & it rips me to pieces again. If i took my hand to the mirror & destroyed it, would I find a different me? Or would I be lost within the shards? Those moments when the questions swirl around my head like a deadly whirlpool. I'm chaining myself to the mast to avoid the sirens. . .yet they lure me.  I want to dig into his mind sometimes, to make sense of it all. . .why someone would continue to do what kills someone they say the love. . .
Some days I feel like we've come so far. . .other days I wonder if it's all an illusion.  I know he is trying. . .yet I wonder sometimes. . .we don't have much time together so it's easy to inhale the doubts that circle me.
Dear God this is . ..the art of breaking. Tearing apart myself & digging into what makes me . . .me. Pulling apart all the walls I've protected myself with. . .finding some sort of peace even when it all falls down all around me.  To know desert days don't last forever. . . .to realize God is bigger then all of this. . .to trust that one day. . .one day. . .the healing rains will cover me in their healing grace & I'll laugh from deep inside . ..That one day my husband & I will look back at all of this & give a small sad shake of our heads but smile at all we've learned.
This. . .is my journey. For better or worse.
she would change everything for happy ever after, caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster" Jon Mclaughlin

Surrender

Church was quite eye opening on Sunday. The message was about the power God has to break any chains, & how many of us stay under those chains because we don't surrender. He talked about how we  need to pray for our loved ones that are suffering under these chains, to get on our face & cry out to God. I realize how much I don't do that. . I don't pray that much for my husband. . .sometimes it's like I have just given up on trying. . . I focus on the negative & the past. Yes he hurt me to pieces, yet I am  not helpless. I can turn this over to God. I can get on my knees & pray for my husbands healing. I can pray that he will really surrender this to God & let it go. I know, deep down, he hasn't tried that hard. He will for a bit & then just give in. . .but instead of me sitting here in doubt & fury. . .I need to do what I can. I can't make him stop. I can't make him not want to. .but i can pray. Prayers can change things. . .with God ALL things are possible. . .

"fall on my face begin to scream that I need You. . ..I would drown to be alive in You" Chasing Furies

days like this

It's days like this that I realize how blessed I really am. It's so easy to focus on what is wrong, what I don't have or issues we are dealing with, but today I just felt better.
My son & I spent about a hour playing outside under skies so blue I felt I could sink into them...the sun danced across our skin as we played in the green grass. My son was so excited about little things. Pointing out all the flowers, collecting leaves, counting trucks going by. . .& it opened my eyes. We can find joy in anything if we look hard enough, if we look through the eyes of a child.
Yes life is hard, but I don't need to focus on that all the time. I can find joy in everything. I can dance under the sky, laugh at the sun. . I can find peace deep inside. How ironic it took a 2 year old boy to show me that
"i want to spend the rest of my life ALIVE" switchfoot

a shadow on me

I think the hardest thing lately is how he shuts down when I try to talk to him. .about anything. The only things he wants to talk about is HIS stuff. School, work. ..if I bring up any issues on my end, its like he shuts down. ..he won't even answer half the time. . .he'll say things like "what do you want me to do" or something snotty. It's so frustrating. Why is it I can listen to him & help him out but it is  never given back to me? He wants to twist everything around. . .he doesn't want to hear what is bothering me, or what I am thinking about. Sometimes I think that he truly believes his problems are the only ones that matter. . .yes I know he has to work & go to school. . .& I support that. ..but all I hear is how much work it is, how busy he is. . .like I am not? I"m pregnant & taking care of a 2 year old, all day , everyday by myself. I don't get out of the house. . .which is fine for the most part, I love being a mom, but I get tired of him acting like he is the only one that is busy & does stuff.  & then when we talk its all about him.
He won't even talk about the porn thing ever. . last time he did he lied to my face so  honestly I don't even want to bring it up. I think he wants to pretend it didn't happen & I'm ok. .we're ok. . .
but I'm not
We're not
can you see, a shadow on me" - Project 86

remember all alone is where I belong

Lately loneliness is my best friend, It lingers in the shadows like a ghost, it breathes around me, pulling me under. I feel at a loss lately, trying to find some peace inside this chaos. My husband is busy right now, & I do understand that. He is in school & working. . .but I just feel so . . .alone. It seems like he choses a lot of things over me & our son. To think he had the time to look up 100s of pages of porn but had no time for us?  That is what boggles the mind.
Loneliness can lead to paranoia & my mind plays games with me. . I want to hack into his email, check his phone & its pathetic, I know.
I need to get to place of learning how to trust again. . .but I feel powerless. I dont even want to talk to him about it due to the lies he told me last time I brought it up. I wonder how much of everything is a lie. . .
It just seems like an endless circle. It gets better for a while then I come crashing down. ..
"If I smile & don't believe, I know soon I will wake from this dream, Don't try to fix me Im not broken, hello, Im the lie living for you so you can hide, hello" Evanescence

so if you dont mind, i think I'll wear my heart on my sleeve

One of my biggest fears is the trust issue. . .that I will never have the feeling of trust in my life again. I fear that I'll always have whispers of doubt, & twinges of paranoia. I'm scared I'll always want to check up on him. . .& that is no way to live
The thing is. . .that is up to me too. Yes he has to prove himself trustworthy. . .which he hasn't. . .but even if he does. . .will I finally trust him again? Will I get to that place of security knowing we are ok. .. he is not betraying me again?
I know this isn't going to be an easy road. . or what that is. .magically better. . .it will take a lot of work from both of us. . .I just wonder what more I can do. . how do I get to the place of healing. . .to a place of peace. When will I feel my heart trust him again. . .or will it? Can I get past all of this?
There are so many questions that rattle around my head. . .fears & doubts. . .
I need. . .to dig deep. I need to fight. I need. . oh how I need
"so if you don't mind I think I'll wear my heart on my sleeve cause I'm tired of not being able to breathe. . .its a shame how I pull myself apart!" Blindside

beg my broken heart to beat

I think the thing that is bothering me the most lately is the in my face lies. I know what I saw. I know where he was looking, yet he treats me I'm stupid & making things up.  . . I wish I was making it up. ..but I can see the truth. . . . I can peel back all his lies & see the damaging truth before me. . .& I don't know what hurts more. ..the lies or the  . .  .betrayal. . .though in the end, I am pretty sure they are the same thing to me, cutting me bare for the world to see.
Does is make him feel superior? To trying playing these games? To do something behind my back & then lie to my face when I find out the truth?
It's like I'm in this room & I'm just running into the same ol' walls again & again. . .& I wonder why I even keep trying to escape. . .is it even worth it anymore?
Trust is shattered to a million pieces. . I am scarred so deep inside I wonder if it will ever heal. . the lies are binding me down with their weight.
I can't keep losing this fight.
Maybe all along. . .. I'm like the Confederacy. . I win a few battles. . .think I might win. . but in the end lose with such devastating loss it will take a life time to heal. 
Guess it wasn't real after all. . .remember all alone is where I belong" Evanescence