a shadow on me

I think the hardest thing lately is how he shuts down when I try to talk to him. .about anything. The only things he wants to talk about is HIS stuff. School, work. ..if I bring up any issues on my end, its like he shuts down. ..he won't even answer half the time. . .he'll say things like "what do you want me to do" or something snotty. It's so frustrating. Why is it I can listen to him & help him out but it is  never given back to me? He wants to twist everything around. . .he doesn't want to hear what is bothering me, or what I am thinking about. Sometimes I think that he truly believes his problems are the only ones that matter. . .yes I know he has to work & go to school. . .& I support that. ..but all I hear is how much work it is, how busy he is. . .like I am not? I"m pregnant & taking care of a 2 year old, all day , everyday by myself. I don't get out of the house. . .which is fine for the most part, I love being a mom, but I get tired of him acting like he is the only one that is busy & does stuff.  & then when we talk its all about him.
He won't even talk about the porn thing ever. . last time he did he lied to my face so  honestly I don't even want to bring it up. I think he wants to pretend it didn't happen & I'm ok. .we're ok. . .
but I'm not
We're not
can you see, a shadow on me" - Project 86

remember all alone is where I belong

Lately loneliness is my best friend, It lingers in the shadows like a ghost, it breathes around me, pulling me under. I feel at a loss lately, trying to find some peace inside this chaos. My husband is busy right now, & I do understand that. He is in school & working. . .but I just feel so . . .alone. It seems like he choses a lot of things over me & our son. To think he had the time to look up 100s of pages of porn but had no time for us?  That is what boggles the mind.
Loneliness can lead to paranoia & my mind plays games with me. . I want to hack into his email, check his phone & its pathetic, I know.
I need to get to place of learning how to trust again. . .but I feel powerless. I dont even want to talk to him about it due to the lies he told me last time I brought it up. I wonder how much of everything is a lie. . .
It just seems like an endless circle. It gets better for a while then I come crashing down. ..
"If I smile & don't believe, I know soon I will wake from this dream, Don't try to fix me Im not broken, hello, Im the lie living for you so you can hide, hello" Evanescence

so if you dont mind, i think I'll wear my heart on my sleeve

One of my biggest fears is the trust issue. . .that I will never have the feeling of trust in my life again. I fear that I'll always have whispers of doubt, & twinges of paranoia. I'm scared I'll always want to check up on him. . .& that is no way to live
The thing is. . .that is up to me too. Yes he has to prove himself trustworthy. . .which he hasn't. . .but even if he does. . .will I finally trust him again? Will I get to that place of security knowing we are ok. .. he is not betraying me again?
I know this isn't going to be an easy road. . or what that is. .magically better. . .it will take a lot of work from both of us. . .I just wonder what more I can do. . how do I get to the place of healing. . .to a place of peace. When will I feel my heart trust him again. . .or will it? Can I get past all of this?
There are so many questions that rattle around my head. . .fears & doubts. . .
I need. . .to dig deep. I need to fight. I need. . oh how I need
"so if you don't mind I think I'll wear my heart on my sleeve cause I'm tired of not being able to breathe. . .its a shame how I pull myself apart!" Blindside

beg my broken heart to beat

I think the thing that is bothering me the most lately is the in my face lies. I know what I saw. I know where he was looking, yet he treats me I'm stupid & making things up.  . . I wish I was making it up. ..but I can see the truth. . . . I can peel back all his lies & see the damaging truth before me. . .& I don't know what hurts more. ..the lies or the  . .  .betrayal. . .though in the end, I am pretty sure they are the same thing to me, cutting me bare for the world to see.
Does is make him feel superior? To trying playing these games? To do something behind my back & then lie to my face when I find out the truth?
It's like I'm in this room & I'm just running into the same ol' walls again & again. . .& I wonder why I even keep trying to escape. . .is it even worth it anymore?
Trust is shattered to a million pieces. . I am scarred so deep inside I wonder if it will ever heal. . the lies are binding me down with their weight.
I can't keep losing this fight.
Maybe all along. . .. I'm like the Confederacy. . I win a few battles. . .think I might win. . but in the end lose with such devastating loss it will take a life time to heal. 
Guess it wasn't real after all. . .remember all alone is where I belong" Evanescence

she walked away

Some days it would be so much easier to just. . walk away. To pack my bags. . .& get in the car & go. . .far far away. To get away from everything that falls apart around me. . .I am so tired of the breakage. . .tired of the aftermath & lies. Tired of finding out once again. . .I've been betrayed.  Sometimes. . .it would be easier to lie to myself, look away as the sky falls down. . .to pretend its ok. ..
I thought things were getting better. . .that he was getting serious but I realize again i believed the same dang lie. Once again . . I am the fool. . .sometimes I wonder how hard is he even trying. . .it seems like he only cares about himself. .his desires. . his..."wants" & im sick of it.
Im sick of being left behind as he pursues one fantasy after another. I'm tired of standing alone as the stars cascade down over my broken form. So tired of breathing in the same stale air each day & wondering why I'm choking on its stentch.
I'm so tired.
why am i the only one fighting?
" you keep coming back disassembled, & I keep losing the fight" Emery

you know I'll live to fight another day

I realize, all of this, has opened up old wounds that I kept hidden from much of the world. Most of my life I've struggled with feeling. . .good enough in the eyes of others. Growing up, we were . . .poor. I grew up in 2nd hand clothes, in a trailer park. . . I was the one kids made fun of. I was the one they called. ..trash. I wasn't good enough by their standreds.
When I went to college it was a bit better, I was no longer made fun of, but I still felt. . .out of place. . .like a ghost lingering upon the campus. . .just. . .getting by. . .I had friends. . .yet felt on the outside a lot of the time. . .watching in silence as people went about doing. . .so much more then I had the guts to do. People that I felt were. ..prettier, smarter, than me.
When I met my husband. . .we met online & we were good friends. He saw me real me. . .inside & out. He knew my fears & insecurities . . yet. . he liked me. ..& that like turned to love. . .I remember meeting for the first time. . .moonlit walks, stars falling, the waves against the harbor. . .
He saw me. . he married me
Now. . .sometimes. . .he discards me.
& I wonder what I learn in all of this. If I dig deep enough, will I find the truth buried inside of me. . .or maybe. . .just maybe this isn't. ..about me?  Maybe there is more to it then ugly scars & buried pain. . .maybe. . .its more than. . .me?
Maybe this wreckage isn't based on who I am. ..maybe who I am isn't. ..that poor little girl dressed in second hand clothes. .. that girl who read means comments online & nearly stopped eating. . who cried herself to sleep many times. . .maybe. . .
Maybe I can be more.
Maybe I can reach beyond this. . .all of this. The doubt. The past. The scars. . .the ..betrayal.
Maybe. just maybe there is so much more to all of this. .. then me. Maybe, in the end, its not even about ME.
take me or leave me, don't have to believe me, all the words I have to say, all the songs that fly away, take me or leave me, believe me, good will come, its alright , its ok , you know I'll live to fight another day" Delirious

learning to breathe

I realize, every day I have a choice, that only I can make. I can embrace the day, & find the good, I can let go of the past & the baggage, I can look in the mirror & see beauty OR I can let myself dwell on the  negative. I can put myself down. I can live on regrets. . .
I've been running around in circles for a while, trying to know what I should feel, how I should handle it. . . sometimes I forget to . . .just breathe. To throw up my hands to the sky & let it all go.  . . to not second guess everything. . .to let go. . .to live more.
Cause doubt eats you alive. It tears you up inside.  .piece by piece until you trust nothing ..you're always looking over your shoulder to see if the sky is still intact.  It can leave me bitter & cold. . .the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. . .
I want to be more. I want each day to be new. I want to see the sun & feel it's warmth. I want to feel grace pour over me like rain. . .I want to fight the voices that whisper I'll never be good enough. . .
& its up to me. I need to decide each day. .. so today I chose. . .to live. To open my eyes. . .to live.

Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is the way that I say I need You
This is the way that I'm

Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

So this is the way I say I need You
This is the way that I say I love You
This is the way that I say I'm Yours
This is the way, this is the way 
Switchfoot