living in wonderland

Today I was watching Dr Phil & it was about a woman who was with a "sex addict" (I use that term loosely because I really don't think it's as common as an addiction as they try to make it out to be). . .this guy was talking to other women, was on sex websites etc. ..& she knew this & just kept. ..dealing
& it makes me wonder. ..why? Why do we put up with it? Why do we not realize we are worth so much more? why do we let ourselves me second best. ..whenever its convenient for  him? Why do we let this world tell us its OUR FAULT . . . why?
Why do I do this? Why do I let him do this to me? Why do I compare myself to those fake women online?Why? Why do I let it bring me down?Why do i believe the lies? Why do we believe the lies????
Its such a hidden ugly matter. . . it creeps around so many bedrooms in the shadows. . .  & so many times its pushed into the closet. . .it's covered with trite sayings "all men do it. .its not real.  .at least he isn't with a real woman" etc .. etc. & if we dare believe something different we are painted in a different light. We are told we are cold, or selfish, or controlling.  I've been told it so many times
So. . .why do we do this to each other? Why do we keep wounding the already wounded? Why do we kick them black & blue while they are broken on the ground? Why do people think because its ok in their world it has to be ok in everyones world?
It's time to reach out to those who hurt. . .those who hide in the dark. . .who cry themselves to sleep. . .who to to bed alone. . .with their mind racing . . .heart breaking. . .
it's time
it might get colder, but wait til it's over, darling you'll find your way, & she said I will not look away this time, take all these cuts & make them shine. . .don't want to be perfect, just alright!" TFK

the love we used to know

Some days I wonder if its all worth it. . . I spend so much time alone. . .even when we are in the same room the grand canyon sits between us. I use the same words over & they fall flat on the ground leaving me empty. I hate this feeling, like I don't measure up. . .the days when I want to shatter the mirror from everything that pulls me down. The moments when all I want to do is scream to the sky as it crumbles down around me. So why do I stay? I've been called a fool , a doormat for staying. . .& sometimes I wonder if the din is right. It would be easier, some days, to just throw up my hands & walk away when everything is burning down.  Rome is in ruins & I feel helpless running around picking up all the pieces with bloody fingers & broken palms. Sometimes I don't want to move. . I just want to stay still & let the wind tear us to pieces. It all falls down & leaves me wounded in the blazing sun & its all I can do to breathe. . .& I need to believe every day is a new day , a new chance. I can can get down on my knees & scream to the sky & be heard by the Maker of the stars. Dear Jesus.
There i sat alone in the car the weight of what you'd done around me oh all around me and with the water rushing down my eyes it was all that i could do, not to scream" Eisley

the lines of my earth

There are days when I wonder if I will always live like this. . .with my trust shattered & my heart bleeding. Some days I feel hope glimmer on the surface of the world around me. . .& other days all I see is the clouds raining down upon my broken earth.  I realize some probably think I am insane for even fighting. . .maybe I really am doomed from the start. . .maybe all these battles are like Manassas. ..they seem important at the time but in the end. . .the win really means nothing. Just more carnage & loss. . .
Every day I wake up. ..& I realize it's my choice. I can either hold tight to the past with broken fists or I can open wide my hands & start anew. I can chose to continue to breathe in the stagnant stale air of crippled promises or I can open up my lungs to something new. To hope.
I've lived with the aftermath for so long sometimes it's hard to believe in something new. . .to believe maybe this emptiness is just a season & one day the dawn will crack the sky with fragile fingers & hope will rise. I got to believe we can be more than this rubble. . .we can be more than a painting in shades of gray. . .we can be light & beauty & grace.
Grace. Such a beautiful word. I long for shades of grace to set me. . .us. . .free. To break the chains of what we know now to be . .so much more.
the line of my earth so brittle, unfertile & ready to dry. I need a drink but the well has gone dry & we are in the habit of saying the same things all over again. . .i just don't feel it anymore" Sixpence None the Richer

the ones that run me through

I know. It's been a long time since I've written. Life has gotten crazy with a newborn.
Lately the distance between us is like the universe. It stretches out , an abyss of dark, that frightens me. I hold my breath hoping things will get better, but wondering if it will always be the same. I don't know if he is still looking at the crap. . . but deep down I feel he is. He erased all the history on his computer. Again. Yeah. I'm not stupid. It's just another. . .thing coming between us. Everything, I realize, is more important than me. Than the kids.  I go to bed, so many nights, alone while he is so busy doing. . .junk. Plain. Junk.
I'm tired of this
I dream. . .all the time..  of leaving. Of walking away. Packing up the kids & going home.
Why the hell do I keep trying , fighthing, when he doesn't give a . .bloody. . .dang.  ALl he cares about is himself. Maybe thats all he'll ever care about
I'm knocked out of this fight. I'm done.
I'm so. done
& I fall in love with the ones that run me through, when all along all I need is You" Switchfoot

i tried to be strong -but it's killing me

Deep down, I don't think he'll ever change. I don't think he wants to. I think he says words to pacify me   & then does what he wants. . .he still is looking at those sites, still hiding it from me. Still.. . my self worth feels rock bottom. My body has changed so much. . . i see it every time I look in the mirror. . . I feel it everytime I roll out of bed. & it makes me want to hide.
It's a cycle. Part of me doesn't want to even let him touch me knowing the crap he looks at . . .but if I don't I fear he'll just run to his fake crap. . .but then again he goes to that even when we are. . .more active.
It's like a slap in the face. . .I work hard taking care of the kids, up all night taking care of our daughter. . . & this is how he thanks me. He fantasizes about fake, young, skinny chicks. Everything I'm not & never will be.
I dreamed last night that I found out he was cheating on me. . . & that fear does mar my being a lot. He has before. . .emotionally. . .what would stop it from happening again? It wouldn't be too hard for him considering I'm home all the time with the kids.
So do I just keep fighting. . .or can I just walk away? I'm tired of feeling like this. . .I'm tired of the doubt, the paranoia. The pain of it all. I'm tired of being unhappy. I'm trying to fight for our marriage but I can't do it alone.  It's like. ..Picketts Charge all over again. . I"m running headlong into the fray in a last ditch effort to win the battle. But all that is left is carnage.
"crying myself to sleep cause i cannot keep their attention, i tried to be strong, but it's killing me" Bethany Dillion

she still believes the lies

Lately I avoid all mirrors. I can see the way my body has changed since giving birth. . .& it makes me feel even worse about myself.  I haven't lost all the weight I put on. ..& I'm having a hard time finding time to work out & try losing it. This is my next goal though, to lose all this weight & reach my goal weight. . .
I fear that this image now. That it isn't. .. good enough for my husband.
This is what he has done to me
I realize I should take some blame, for letting me become so defeated by it. ..but I find it hard to climb past all that has fallen around me.
I'm sure he is still looking. He went downstairs yesterday to get online instead of up in the room with me. Yeah. I know what he was doing. I'm not stupid. All the signs are still there.
Maybe some things never change.
& it kills me. I don't want to live like this all my life. . .unhappy. . .not trusting my husband. It isn't suppose to be like this. . .I know it's not all bliss but shouldn't there be more?
so much  more
"i can feel her sadness from across the room" blindside

the future feels so hard

Sometimes I find myself staring at my daughter, & breathing prayer after prayer that she doesn't have to know this pain. .. that she can walk though this life unscathed by this evil. . . .that she won't have to feel the shadows of doubt crash upon her shoulders, always wondering . . .always checking. . .I pray she knows love that she can trust always . .& not have to hold her breath from time to time just to make it through. I pray that she will be loved unconditionally. . .that everything doesn't have to be a fight. . .that she can go to bed at night reassured that her husband is thinking of her & only her. That she doesn't have to worry about what he watches as he sits in front of the glow of a computer screen. 
I pray this for my beautiful daughter. . .that she will always feel beautiful & never wonder what is wrong with her because her husbands turns to plastic women instead of real flesh. I pray this with every breath.
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed.-Leanne Womack