all the good is almost gone

It's amazing how life can be two very distinct halves, in black & white with all shades of gray vanishing. How you can have sunshine & thunderstorms at the same time, & you wonder which one will overtake you & drench your senses.
I had my beautiful baby girl over a week again. It was one of the greatest, yet hardest moments of my life. She is perfect & we are doing well.
We got home on Saturday where I found out once again he was looking at. . .crap while I was in the hospital, recovering from having his baby. It hurts worse this time then all the other times before, knowing where I was. He was there for every second of my labor. He knows how hard it was, how much pain I was in at the end. He heard my cries as I pushed our sunshine into this world.
But it wasn't enough.
He came home, laid in our bed, & watched fake girls get it on.
It kills me.
There is something so much more cold about it this time. . .like ice in my veins, crawling through them on slow heartbeat at a time. . .this betrayal is so hard to take. . . realizing how selfish he is. . .how weak he is. . .how tired of it I am
sometimes the fight just seems to much to take. Sometimes I am so tired of it all I just want to say "I'm done" & walk away. 
The voices of the past just echo around my head, screaming at me, this fear he will never change.  That this will be my life for. . .ever. 
& I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with it. It's not fair. t
the song slow fade, by Casting Crowns, as become my. .theme.  it's such a true song. . & it scares me crap out of me. . .I've seen the slow fade before. . .the porn turning to him talking to other women. . .& i fear. . it will happen again
"the journey from your mind to your hands, is closer than your thinking. . .its a slow fade when you give yourself away. . .daddies never crumble in a day" Casting Crowns

I don't want to be stranded

Out of nowhere the past will raise up & catch me in it's waves, threatening to pull me under once again. Memories claw for my attention & I'm just too weary to fight them every single time. Maybe, deep down, I'm afraid of history repeating itself.  . . so the echoes of the past beckon me.  Some of the same. .. pitfalls we had that nearly killed us before are tiptoeing around the chaos. The distance. The lack of communication. The "busyness"  It's all there at my fingertips & I have to decide if its real enough to be concerned about or if its just distant yesterdays wanting to make me doubt & fall into that darkness.
I don't always know how to move forward, to take another step. Sometimes it seems easier to stand still. . .to let it all fall apart then to keep fighting. My hands feel bloody & raw from trying to keep the sky from tumbling down in shambles. . .& I wonder if I always fight alone. Am I the only one that can see all of this? The only one that cares?
Maybe . . .maybe.
"a year goes by, & I can't talk about it" Flyleaf

dont want to be perfect -just alright

Things haven't really changed all that much. . .I still am struggling with loneliness. I'm always amazed how you can be around someone yet feel so all alone. It seems like we spend so much time apart & even the time we are together we are in our own little worlds. 
I miss how things use to be. When we would talk for hours & stay  up late. When we would go for walks. ..it brings back memories of Charleston &  night walks to the harbor or on the beach. Reminders of sunrises & long drives just to get away.
& I wonder what went wrong. Is it just things change for no reason or is there some deeper, underlying issue I am not even aware of?  I realize life brings changes, especially after you become a parent, but I guess I never expect SO many changes. . . I didn't expect this. ..grand canyon yawning between us.
I fear all of this will push him further. . .more likely to stumble & go back to. ..that trash.  & I wonder if its paranoia or that gut feeling. ..& how do I even know the difference anymore.
I know I just need to breathe & turn this over to God but some days it's so hard. Some days all I see is the scars & the ashes left behind from charred out dreams..
Sometimes i want to give up. Sometimes I just don't even know how to let go & move on. Sometimes. Sometimes
"sometimes I don't want to be better, sometimes I can't put myself back together"
 Skillet