caught in the in between -a beautiful disaster

Sometimes, I realize, that is what life is. A beautiful disaster.  There is so many different tones that can make up one's life. . .the sad dark tones in minor key & the happy, hands in the air music that make you ache from the beauty.  There are those days when I feel the doubts come in, sneaking around my ankles, threatening to pull me under again. Those are the days that I over analyze everything. . .the questions a siren in my head. Then there are the days that I am ok. . .that I know we are clawing our way to healing. . .& I feel at peace at how far we've gotten.
Living life with someone who is easily manipulated by lies & fake can be overwhelming. It can tear apart all self esteem that resided deep inside. Sometime I stare in the mirror at myself but in my minds eye I can see the women he had looked at. ..lusted over & it rips me to pieces again. If i took my hand to the mirror & destroyed it, would I find a different me? Or would I be lost within the shards? Those moments when the questions swirl around my head like a deadly whirlpool. I'm chaining myself to the mast to avoid the sirens. . .yet they lure me.  I want to dig into his mind sometimes, to make sense of it all. . .why someone would continue to do what kills someone they say the love. . .
Some days I feel like we've come so far. . .other days I wonder if it's all an illusion.  I know he is trying. . .yet I wonder sometimes. . .we don't have much time together so it's easy to inhale the doubts that circle me.
Dear God this is . ..the art of breaking. Tearing apart myself & digging into what makes me . . .me. Pulling apart all the walls I've protected myself with. . .finding some sort of peace even when it all falls down all around me.  To know desert days don't last forever. . . .to realize God is bigger then all of this. . .to trust that one day. . .one day. . .the healing rains will cover me in their healing grace & I'll laugh from deep inside . ..That one day my husband & I will look back at all of this & give a small sad shake of our heads but smile at all we've learned.
This. . .is my journey. For better or worse.
she would change everything for happy ever after, caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster" Jon Mclaughlin

Surrender

Church was quite eye opening on Sunday. The message was about the power God has to break any chains, & how many of us stay under those chains because we don't surrender. He talked about how we  need to pray for our loved ones that are suffering under these chains, to get on our face & cry out to God. I realize how much I don't do that. . I don't pray that much for my husband. . .sometimes it's like I have just given up on trying. . . I focus on the negative & the past. Yes he hurt me to pieces, yet I am  not helpless. I can turn this over to God. I can get on my knees & pray for my husbands healing. I can pray that he will really surrender this to God & let it go. I know, deep down, he hasn't tried that hard. He will for a bit & then just give in. . .but instead of me sitting here in doubt & fury. . .I need to do what I can. I can't make him stop. I can't make him not want to. .but i can pray. Prayers can change things. . .with God ALL things are possible. . .

"fall on my face begin to scream that I need You. . ..I would drown to be alive in You" Chasing Furies

days like this

It's days like this that I realize how blessed I really am. It's so easy to focus on what is wrong, what I don't have or issues we are dealing with, but today I just felt better.
My son & I spent about a hour playing outside under skies so blue I felt I could sink into them...the sun danced across our skin as we played in the green grass. My son was so excited about little things. Pointing out all the flowers, collecting leaves, counting trucks going by. . .& it opened my eyes. We can find joy in anything if we look hard enough, if we look through the eyes of a child.
Yes life is hard, but I don't need to focus on that all the time. I can find joy in everything. I can dance under the sky, laugh at the sun. . I can find peace deep inside. How ironic it took a 2 year old boy to show me that
"i want to spend the rest of my life ALIVE" switchfoot