a shadow on me

I think the hardest thing lately is how he shuts down when I try to talk to him. .about anything. The only things he wants to talk about is HIS stuff. School, work. ..if I bring up any issues on my end, its like he shuts down. ..he won't even answer half the time. . .he'll say things like "what do you want me to do" or something snotty. It's so frustrating. Why is it I can listen to him & help him out but it is  never given back to me? He wants to twist everything around. . .he doesn't want to hear what is bothering me, or what I am thinking about. Sometimes I think that he truly believes his problems are the only ones that matter. . .yes I know he has to work & go to school. . .& I support that. ..but all I hear is how much work it is, how busy he is. . .like I am not? I"m pregnant & taking care of a 2 year old, all day , everyday by myself. I don't get out of the house. . .which is fine for the most part, I love being a mom, but I get tired of him acting like he is the only one that is busy & does stuff.  & then when we talk its all about him.
He won't even talk about the porn thing ever. . last time he did he lied to my face so  honestly I don't even want to bring it up. I think he wants to pretend it didn't happen & I'm ok. .we're ok. . .
but I'm not
We're not
can you see, a shadow on me" - Project 86

remember all alone is where I belong

Lately loneliness is my best friend, It lingers in the shadows like a ghost, it breathes around me, pulling me under. I feel at a loss lately, trying to find some peace inside this chaos. My husband is busy right now, & I do understand that. He is in school & working. . .but I just feel so . . .alone. It seems like he choses a lot of things over me & our son. To think he had the time to look up 100s of pages of porn but had no time for us?  That is what boggles the mind.
Loneliness can lead to paranoia & my mind plays games with me. . I want to hack into his email, check his phone & its pathetic, I know.
I need to get to place of learning how to trust again. . .but I feel powerless. I dont even want to talk to him about it due to the lies he told me last time I brought it up. I wonder how much of everything is a lie. . .
It just seems like an endless circle. It gets better for a while then I come crashing down. ..
"If I smile & don't believe, I know soon I will wake from this dream, Don't try to fix me Im not broken, hello, Im the lie living for you so you can hide, hello" Evanescence

so if you dont mind, i think I'll wear my heart on my sleeve

One of my biggest fears is the trust issue. . .that I will never have the feeling of trust in my life again. I fear that I'll always have whispers of doubt, & twinges of paranoia. I'm scared I'll always want to check up on him. . .& that is no way to live
The thing is. . .that is up to me too. Yes he has to prove himself trustworthy. . .which he hasn't. . .but even if he does. . .will I finally trust him again? Will I get to that place of security knowing we are ok. .. he is not betraying me again?
I know this isn't going to be an easy road. . or what that is. .magically better. . .it will take a lot of work from both of us. . .I just wonder what more I can do. . how do I get to the place of healing. . .to a place of peace. When will I feel my heart trust him again. . .or will it? Can I get past all of this?
There are so many questions that rattle around my head. . .fears & doubts. . .
I need. . .to dig deep. I need to fight. I need. . oh how I need
"so if you don't mind I think I'll wear my heart on my sleeve cause I'm tired of not being able to breathe. . .its a shame how I pull myself apart!" Blindside

beg my broken heart to beat

I think the thing that is bothering me the most lately is the in my face lies. I know what I saw. I know where he was looking, yet he treats me I'm stupid & making things up.  . . I wish I was making it up. ..but I can see the truth. . . . I can peel back all his lies & see the damaging truth before me. . .& I don't know what hurts more. ..the lies or the  . .  .betrayal. . .though in the end, I am pretty sure they are the same thing to me, cutting me bare for the world to see.
Does is make him feel superior? To trying playing these games? To do something behind my back & then lie to my face when I find out the truth?
It's like I'm in this room & I'm just running into the same ol' walls again & again. . .& I wonder why I even keep trying to escape. . .is it even worth it anymore?
Trust is shattered to a million pieces. . I am scarred so deep inside I wonder if it will ever heal. . the lies are binding me down with their weight.
I can't keep losing this fight.
Maybe all along. . .. I'm like the Confederacy. . I win a few battles. . .think I might win. . but in the end lose with such devastating loss it will take a life time to heal. 
Guess it wasn't real after all. . .remember all alone is where I belong" Evanescence