Lately, I struggle with this self esteem even more than normal. I want to hide from mirrors. . . they warp me. I realize I cannot blame my husband for all of this. . .this voice in my head has always been there. Beating me up, tearing me down. . .but, to be honest, his transgressions has not helped it. I realize I could be stronger. . .it's so easy for people to tell me to just get over it. . .& it seems like it should be. . .but its not. It's a hurricane of voices surrounding me & they always pull me under.
Every time he touches me & tells me I'm beautiful I want to scream at him. I want to tell him. . .no I'm not. . I saw what you like to look at. . .that's not me. That will never be me. I still carry some of the weight I gained with my last pregnancy. . . I find it hard to even try losing it. . .once upon a time I had more. . .spunk than this.
& I can't lay all the blame on my husband. I need to face up to my own faults. . .my weaknesses.
I need to fix me. I can never fix him . . .it's not my job. I need to fix me. I need that. . .to be enough. . .& pray he'll chose to fix himself. ..but if he never does. . .I need to be ok with me. I need to be able to face the mirror & be ok with me . .even if i never lose this weight.
I need to stop listening to the lies of the world. . .to the pictures that tell me what I "should" look like. I need to find my worth inside. . .the way God sees me. . .the way I was meant to be. Always growing, always learning, always. . .healing.
I need to reach beyond this worlds silly view of beauty & realize I can be beautiful in. . .all of this.
'll never be what you want, no (that's plain to see) Fabulous teeth and a smile that'll melt your heart" Eisley
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