all the world could fade away

I don't believe the words anymore. They fall around me like missiles & I am left wondering what to believe. How can I believe the words when actions break them to pieces?  Every time he calls me beautiful. . . i freeze. It feels like a lie after what I've seen. . .if what I am is beauty. ..then why isn't it that he looks at?  If I am what he calls beautiful, then why does he look at everything I'm not?
This is the war in my head . . .at night the words chase around my head & leaves me breathless. I don't know which voice to believe. . .it's hard to know. . .what is real.
Why is it I can feel. . .ok sometimes & then crash so hard just a few moments later? What is this weakness that makes me stumble? & I can't lay all the blame on him. . .I am the weakness. I am. ..the fallen.
I tear myself apart and then wonder why I feel so empty. . .I believed the lies for way too long. I could rip it all apart but until I fix what is broken in me. . .I will always shatter. I will believe the voices that tell me I am not good enough. I need . . .to heal. To fix this. To fight down the fears & conquer the lies. I need to slay the beast that wants me to lay down defeated.
I can only fix me.
Everyone just stares right through you like you're not even there at all
Those times you look inside to see if something's beating so you could feel alive-Runaway City

the reflection in the mirror

I need to see myself through His eyes. Through the eyes of the Savior who died for me. . . who sees me & loves me, even when I fall. Even when I curse my existence. When I fall down broken on my knees.  . .He sees me. He sees me when I scream to the sky, when I hide the tears, when I shatter to a million pieces. He holds me. He loves me. He thinks I'm beautiful. . .
I need to realize I am more than just flesh  blood.  .my worth is not based on my weight or my skin or my hair or. ..anything physical. I am worth more than that. . .I am not just a body. . .I am a soul. I am Gods creation. & I am. . .loved by Him beyond compare. I need to break free of this prison I've built with icy hands. . .I've let it weigh me down too long. I let my husbands betrayal define me for too long. . .I can be free. I can be happy. I can heal. I can find worth. . .I can learn to love myself. . .I have to.  I have to be stronger. I have to find myself.

You feel stuck on the outside looking inside
Wishing this life wasn't your life
And you think you're damaged way beyond repair
Well you're not so far that I can't get to where you are
You wish you were someone else
Every night you fall to pieces
Knowing you can't save yourself
I can see you, I can hear you
There's a place where the broken go
There's a room full of second chances

You're not stranded on your own
You're not invisible- Disciple

do i fail to know whats in your eyes

Lately, I struggle with this self esteem even more than normal. I want to hide from mirrors. . . they warp me. I realize I cannot blame my husband for all of this. . .this voice in my head has always been there. Beating me up, tearing me down. . .but, to be honest, his transgressions has not helped it. I realize I could be stronger. . .it's so easy for people to tell me to just get over it. . .& it seems like it should be. . .but its not. It's a hurricane of voices surrounding me & they always pull me under.
Every time he touches me & tells me I'm beautiful I want to scream at him. I want to tell him. . .no I'm not. .  I saw what you like to look at. . .that's not me. That will never be me. I still carry some of the weight I gained with my last pregnancy. . . I find it hard to even try losing it. . .once upon a time I had more. . .spunk than this.
& I can't lay all the blame on my husband. I need to face up to my own faults. . .my weaknesses.
I need to fix me. I can never fix him . . .it's not my job. I need to fix me. I need that. . .to be enough. . .& pray he'll chose to fix himself. ..but if he never does. . .I need to be ok with me. I need to be able to face the mirror & be ok with me . .even if i never lose this weight.
I need to stop listening to the lies of the world. . .to the pictures that tell me what I "should" look like. I need to find my worth inside. . .the way God sees me. . .the way I was meant to be. Always growing, always learning, always. . .healing.
I need to reach beyond this worlds silly view of beauty & realize I can be beautiful in. . .all of this.
'll never be what you want, no (that's plain to see) Fabulous teeth and a smile that'll melt your heart" Eisley

living in wonderland

Today I was watching Dr Phil & it was about a woman who was with a "sex addict" (I use that term loosely because I really don't think it's as common as an addiction as they try to make it out to be). . .this guy was talking to other women, was on sex websites etc. ..& she knew this & just kept. ..dealing
& it makes me wonder. ..why? Why do we put up with it? Why do we not realize we are worth so much more? why do we let ourselves me second best. ..whenever its convenient for  him? Why do we let this world tell us its OUR FAULT . . . why?
Why do I do this? Why do I let him do this to me? Why do I compare myself to those fake women online?Why? Why do I let it bring me down?Why do i believe the lies? Why do we believe the lies????
Its such a hidden ugly matter. . . it creeps around so many bedrooms in the shadows. . .  & so many times its pushed into the closet. . .it's covered with trite sayings "all men do it. .its not real.  .at least he isn't with a real woman" etc .. etc. & if we dare believe something different we are painted in a different light. We are told we are cold, or selfish, or controlling.  I've been told it so many times
So. . .why do we do this to each other? Why do we keep wounding the already wounded? Why do we kick them black & blue while they are broken on the ground? Why do people think because its ok in their world it has to be ok in everyones world?
It's time to reach out to those who hurt. . .those who hide in the dark. . .who cry themselves to sleep. . .who to to bed alone. . .with their mind racing . . .heart breaking. . .
it's time
it might get colder, but wait til it's over, darling you'll find your way, & she said I will not look away this time, take all these cuts & make them shine. . .don't want to be perfect, just alright!" TFK