i tried to be strong -but it's killing me

Deep down, I don't think he'll ever change. I don't think he wants to. I think he says words to pacify me   & then does what he wants. . .he still is looking at those sites, still hiding it from me. Still.. . my self worth feels rock bottom. My body has changed so much. . . i see it every time I look in the mirror. . . I feel it everytime I roll out of bed. & it makes me want to hide.
It's a cycle. Part of me doesn't want to even let him touch me knowing the crap he looks at . . .but if I don't I fear he'll just run to his fake crap. . .but then again he goes to that even when we are. . .more active.
It's like a slap in the face. . .I work hard taking care of the kids, up all night taking care of our daughter. . . & this is how he thanks me. He fantasizes about fake, young, skinny chicks. Everything I'm not & never will be.
I dreamed last night that I found out he was cheating on me. . . & that fear does mar my being a lot. He has before. . .emotionally. . .what would stop it from happening again? It wouldn't be too hard for him considering I'm home all the time with the kids.
So do I just keep fighting. . .or can I just walk away? I'm tired of feeling like this. . .I'm tired of the doubt, the paranoia. The pain of it all. I'm tired of being unhappy. I'm trying to fight for our marriage but I can't do it alone.  It's like. ..Picketts Charge all over again. . I"m running headlong into the fray in a last ditch effort to win the battle. But all that is left is carnage.
"crying myself to sleep cause i cannot keep their attention, i tried to be strong, but it's killing me" Bethany Dillion

she still believes the lies

Lately I avoid all mirrors. I can see the way my body has changed since giving birth. . .& it makes me feel even worse about myself.  I haven't lost all the weight I put on. ..& I'm having a hard time finding time to work out & try losing it. This is my next goal though, to lose all this weight & reach my goal weight. . .
I fear that this image now. That it isn't. .. good enough for my husband.
This is what he has done to me
I realize I should take some blame, for letting me become so defeated by it. ..but I find it hard to climb past all that has fallen around me.
I'm sure he is still looking. He went downstairs yesterday to get online instead of up in the room with me. Yeah. I know what he was doing. I'm not stupid. All the signs are still there.
Maybe some things never change.
& it kills me. I don't want to live like this all my life. . .unhappy. . .not trusting my husband. It isn't suppose to be like this. . .I know it's not all bliss but shouldn't there be more?
so much  more
"i can feel her sadness from across the room" blindside