So he admitted he's been looking again & then blamed me. It's a vicious cycle & I wonder why I stay on. I wonder why I fight when he doesn't even give a flying dang. He just does what he wants, says his sorry when he's caught & then goes right back his crap. His stupid selfish crap. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough. I'm tired of him blaming me. I'm tired of it all.
I just want to walk away. I want to count my losses & run like bandit. I'm so tired. So tired.
All I do is fail.
All I am is not enough.
I will never be enough
he can call me beautiful
but it's a lie.
he wants fake.He wants plastic.
he wants. . .everything but me
where is the sun, feels like a ghost this time. . . .my world is a lie that's come true" Switchfoot
Friday, April 29, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Mess of Me
I've lived most my life damaged. From early on I was told I wasn't good enough by others at school & for some reason, I allowed myself to believe them. I was bullied, & insulted. I was the class target to push over, take my stuff, laugh at, insult & those scars are buried so deep inside that they are ingrained with every breath I seem to take. I see them when I look in the mirror. I feel them when the hot water from my shower cascades over my flawed body.
I don't know why I believe the words.. .maybe because I've been told it so many times, by so many different people. Even now as an adult, I find out some immature "women" (girls) talk about me behind my back & all the ghosts of yesterday come back full force & drag me under. I believe the voices when I see other images of women on my husbands computer. When I step on the scale & see I haven't lost any weight. When other people think it's ok to talk about me behind my back.
I can be so stinking weak. I tear myself apart daily & then wonder why I feel so dang empty. I let the lies define me. I let my past hold me down.
I need to do this. I need to break free from the ghosts. I need to shatter the whispers inside my head telling me I'll never be good enough. That I'm ugly & stupid & fat. I don't always know how to get the images out of my head. .. they seemed burn within me, but deep down , I know with God i can do this. If I let Him heal me.
Thats what I need to do. I need His healing. ..
there's a face behind every scar- Plumb
And she said I will not look away this time, take all these cuts and make them shine.
And all this pain I feel inside, so I can find my way home again.
I will not look away this time, take all these cuts and make them shine,
don't want to be perfect just alright
-Thousand Foot Krutch
I don't know why I believe the words.. .maybe because I've been told it so many times, by so many different people. Even now as an adult, I find out some immature "women" (girls) talk about me behind my back & all the ghosts of yesterday come back full force & drag me under. I believe the voices when I see other images of women on my husbands computer. When I step on the scale & see I haven't lost any weight. When other people think it's ok to talk about me behind my back.
I can be so stinking weak. I tear myself apart daily & then wonder why I feel so dang empty. I let the lies define me. I let my past hold me down.
I need to do this. I need to break free from the ghosts. I need to shatter the whispers inside my head telling me I'll never be good enough. That I'm ugly & stupid & fat. I don't always know how to get the images out of my head. .. they seemed burn within me, but deep down , I know with God i can do this. If I let Him heal me.
Thats what I need to do. I need His healing. ..
there's a face behind every scar- Plumb
And she said I will not look away this time, take all these cuts and make them shine.
And all this pain I feel inside, so I can find my way home again.
I will not look away this time, take all these cuts and make them shine,
don't want to be perfect just alright
-Thousand Foot Krutch
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